Less than 4 weeks!


In less than 4 weeks we will be starting our next cycle! I almost forgot how much you can’t plan on planning because nothing happens when you think it is going to. 

Joe and I were planning on visiting my uncles and going to NYC for my birthday weekend but it looks like that weekend has the possibility of falling on a transfer day so I may have to bump my visit up a week…I think we just have to tell them it will be one of those weekends and we will know more in about a month or so.

So right now, I am planning on not planning anything after the end of March…nothing will go my way and I don’t want to get worked up over it because now I know how demanding this whole process is.

Today Joe is pricing out the medication at 3 local pharmacies that specialize in fertility medication…we knew of 2 already and just received the information on the 3rd last week.  I am going to apply for the 0% introductory fee Visa card just in case we need some additional funding.  My boss already knows that I will be an hour late every other day in a few weeks but I don’t know how many days off I need yet and won’t know until a day or two prior to taking the day(s).  I’m getting really hyped up for this! And it doesn’t hurt that my tatas will appear larger…they looked enormous compared to what I normally am last time…I guess that makes all the bruises and needle marks easier to deal with lol.

And to end this, I just received my 4 year anniversary present a month early from my wonderful husband, a new Nikon d3200…I bought the wu-1a wifi adapter for it and it is amazing, it is like a fricken shark with fricken laser beams on its head!  I am so ready to practice using it because I have a feeling I am going to be getting a LOT of use out of it in our own home soon ❤ 

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Let the Preparations Begin!


A HUGE shout out to my wonderful husband for doing some leg work for us the past 2 days.

When he called the clinic and told them that we were just about ready to get started so we could get the medications bought ahead of time as well as some other research, prep, and a better mindset could be done/had before we jump on this bandwagon again he said we were thinking about starting again in March and they said if I wanted retrieval in March I would basically have to start tomorrow.  I do NOT want to have that same hectic, rushed feeling we had the whole time last cycle and I would rather wait one additional month then be frantic again.  I think I grew up a little just by saying that because there is nothing I want more than to start this right away…but I have to be patient and calm.

Now the prep work can begin. We are waiting on prescriptions to call and price out and since I have a different insurance we are not sure if anything is covered at all this time, I think only the progesterone was covered last time if I am not mistaken.  We can get all that ordered piecemeal if it comes out to a cheaper price because we have a FULL MONTH to do so!

This cycle is going to be a lengthier one, they will be putting me on birth control this time for two weeks and jump start my ovaries with a slightly different protocol…they don’t want to veer too far off what they had last cycle because the results were well above average.

I actually opted not to have a coffee this morning…I am going to try to ween myself off of caffein again. Words can’t describe how happy I am that we will be starting a new cycle in a month! This is our time.

I can honestly say I am SO ready to have my dignity taken away again, and to be stabbed by my husband with my worst fear a couple times a day…if this means we get a take home baby (or take home babies) I really don’t care what I have to go through!

Love you Darlin’ ❤

Almost There!


Well, it’s official.  Joe has a job! AND after doing our taxes we are close to our goal amount to start the next round!  There are a few things we need to do to prep for the next cycle but finally I can see the possibility of attempting this again in sight which I lost for a little while.

It got a little dark for me for a little while, I felt depressed because I didn’t know how or when we were going to be able to do this again and finally I feel some relief and it is actually possible and soon.  We have been sticking to a REALLY tight budget and that has been working very well for us and now with Joe finally working it is definitely possible.  I am so excited I can’t even describe it.  I am hoping for a little over a month to start again…that’s definitely my goal…but we are just playing it by ear right now. What a relief.

As the heart grows fonder, it also breaks a little more


If you couldn’t tell by now, I love my nieces and nephews so much.  I would do anything for any of them.  They are what keep me so happy.  Each time I see them I just feel so much joy and I get more and more attached with each visit.

The downside of this is that it makes leaving them that much more difficult.  Going home is the hardest thing I have to do knowing I am not going to see them again for about a month.  It breaks my heart.  It also breaks my heart knowing that right now I can’t experience the joys of having what my brothers and sisters have.  Every day it gets a little more difficult to know that they have what I have wanted for years, they have what we struggle to get every day, they have something that comes with great difficulty to us.  To say I am green with envy is putting it lightly…and it is not the type of envy where I hold it against anyone…it’s just something I want so badly and just can’t get without struggles, failure, and a deep hole in our pockets.

We are over the $30,000 mark since starting this and we are looking at at least another 11,000 plus at least 2,500 for medication in the next cycle…money means nothing to me as long as we can pay it, I just wish something would give at this point.  I wish we could start sooner than later again.  I just wish and hope and dream and it kills me that it doesn’t come as easy as we would like it to.

I’m also getting completely sick to my stomach knowing that Joe is still without a job…this is so incredibly frustrating because we cannot save any money if he isn’t working and unemployment STILL hasn’t kicked in…so now we are living off of only one income and nothing else…it’s hard enough dealing with the failure of the first cycle and having to wait for the next one but to throw on unemployment and inability to save as a result it just shoots my stress levels through the roof.  Like I said, something has to give…seriously…there’s no way that our luck can be THIS bad and continue on the same path.  It’s just ridiculous and almost comical at this point.

But enough about my misfortunes…over the weekend I had a great time with my family, as usual.  I had a lot of fun at my nephew’s 3rd birthday party, it was superhero themed and I got to dress up as batgirl…my sister did an awesome job with the theme.

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Seriously? How do you fail at that?


You’d think that a “simple” procedure such as the coculture would at least be an easy thing for us…right? I mean they take my blood, they take a hunk or 2 of tissue, they grow said tissue on a petri dish…no problemo!

Well…leave it to me to throw the twist in here…get this…my cells didn’t freaking grow on the god damn Petri dish so there is no sample to freeze to use for the next cycle!

What?!

I’m serious.  And there is no good reason why.  There is actually no reason why at all.  They have no clue and the only thing I was told was not to worry because it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong, these things just happen sometimes for unknown reasons.

Part of me wonders if that is just an excuse for someone’s mistake? Was there a cross contamination that caused this that I don’t know about?

What I am left with right now is 2 options.  I can either go through the pain of the biopsy again or I can just let them use the gallon of blood they took from me in preparation of creating the coculture…they would use the blood instead of the tissue and blood combination to aid in embryo quality. 

I really really don’t want to do another biopsy because 1. it REALLY hurts and 2. there is nothing wrong with me or anything on my part and there is no proof that this aids in male infertility AT ALL (which was admitted to me by my doctor when I asked her the day she tore my insides out), to me this is just an added step and more money for those who have a failed IVF.  If it were me having the problems then I would say sure, go ahead, tear me a new one again with my legs propped up proudly, but ever since I asked my doctor point blank how this will help the Male DNA and she said it won’t I didn’t think I should be doing this.

Needless to say I am veering on the side of not going through the torture again.  I am just so angry that nothing ever goes right with us.  NOTHING.  I gave that a valiant effort even though I didn’t agree with why it was being done, I followed all the directions to a T, and I still failed.

What a lovely start to the weekend.  I also got to take the phone call at work and act like nothing was wrong for the rest of the day since basically everyone except my boss has no idea what is going on with me…yay for pretend happiness…I guess I am used to that at this point.

I hope everyone else is having a better start to their weekend than me.  Hopefully it will get better once I get to see my nieces and nephew’s at the super hero themed birthday party…I’m batgirl 🙂

End Rant.