Infertility is not a temporary condition

All week I have been sharing old posts from my blog back from my “infertile” days.  Each time I share them I think to myself “this is still my life”, less the IVF treatments and uncertainty that surrounds it.  Instead of uncertainty I am surrounded in certainty that unless I get back in the straddle saddle, I will remain the mother to 1 beautiful earth child and 3 amazing angels.  There’s nothing that will change that fact.  I can’t wish it away, I can’t pray it away, the only way to change it is to actively jump back in and fight harder than I have ever fought in my life.  Again.

Infertility is not a temporary condition.  It is forever there and will forever be there to remind me that life is always worth fighting for.  It will forever make me humble.  It will forever make me appreciate everything we are blessed with.  It will forever make me study my son and know every little thing that makes him happy or sets him off.

Infertility led me to some amazing friendships with people I have never met in person.  Sharing personal and raw stories, sharing joy and heartache, feeling the excitement with good news and crying with heart break after heart break.  The first step was opening up and so much support has followed, and flowed, since.

What’s been hitting me hard the last few months, and the reason why I needed to write a new infertility post after such a long time not focusing on it, is Joey’s curiosity.  He knows about his brothers, he knows they are angles that fly in the sky, he knows their names, he asks about them.  It makes me happy I get to share with him that he has angels who protect him but also sad that they never had the chance to play with him the way brothers should.

What’s been hitting me even harder is his questions about “who’s my sister”?  When I explain to him that he does not have a sister he gets upset and angry.  He keeps telling me he wants a sister to play with and it makes me so sad to think that I give him anything and everything he can dream of but I can’t give him that.  At least not without another several years of uncertainty, heartache, huge financial hits, and so much time and energy.  Do you know how badly I want to give my son a sibling?  That I’ve secretly cried thinking that it is something that, right now, is impossible for us but effortless for others?  That although I loved every moment of being pregnant, that time was overshadowed with mental and emotional abuse and I so badly want a do over surrounded by the people that actually care for me?  I want it more than anyone can imagine.  But it doesn’t come without lots of sacrifice and it doesn’t even guarantee anything will come out of it.

The PTSD and Anxiety that surrounds me from everything I have been through as a result of the losses and emotional torture I endured in that time frame is enough to scare anyone away from even attempting to have another go at it.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t want it.  It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it all over again, but in a happier place this time.  It doesn’t stop me from dreaming.

Today is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week and it is also my 34th birthday.  It’s fitting that today I’ll be making a special birthday wish that I did for so many years before.  The difference this year is that the previous years were filled with uncertainty on whether or not my wish would come true, this year I know for certain it won’t.  Butitdoesn’tkeepmefromwishing.  And that’s the light that needs to keep burning, the desire.

This year’s NIAW has hit me harder than I thought it would.  This is me speaking out.  I am 1 in 8.  If you are, too, don’t be afraid to open up.  It is better than letting it eat at you and destroying your beautiful soul.  You deserve to be heard and you deserve to have empathy.  Opening up is the first step in freeing yourself, emotionally.

Now is your chance to share your story with me, whether publicly or in private.  I am always ALWAYS here to listen because I have been there and I still am there.

5 thoughts on “Infertility is not a temporary condition

  1. NIAW kind of slipped by me this week, after planning to write something for it for the last few months. I’m going to try and get something written today! I think sometimes I am just really reluctant to put myself back in that mindset. It was just such am emotional rollercoaster. Tapping into it to write about usually brings tears.

    • Tears for sure. This post took literally a week to write. It used to just spew out of me within minutes and this was so hard to put myself back in that mind set, even though it is still where I am – just without any doctors right now.

      • I just did my post today, after seeing your’s. I actually checked out the NIA website and realized it’s probably time I got my head out of the sand and finally started writing that IVF book I said I’d start 5 months ago. I was just avoiding going back there…it can be a dark place.

  2. I feel we are very similar, Candy Keane you’re also included in the “we”. So often you ladies write exactly what is in my heart, I just don’t have the strength to write it down. For the first 2 years after maeve was born I didn’t really feel the pain of infertility anymore but now, after year 3, I realize that pain is still very much with me. I have been longing for another baby. It comes in waves and passes but with this new wave I wonder if we’re making a big mistake by not having another. Will I really regret not trying harder for a second? (We transferred 2 embryos when maeve was nearly 1.5 and it ended up being a chemical pregnancy) honestly, at the time we were relieved. Maeve was, and still is, a VERY spirited and srong willed toddler but once the “hard toddler days” are over will look back and think i could have done it? I’m just not prepared to “straddle” up and voluntarily put myself back into that phase of life. Is that selfish? Is it understandable? Is it a classic case of “you only want what you can’t have” that I’m actually feeling? I’ve started to see a counsellor to talk out all this confusion that is constantly ping ponging back and forth in my mind.

  3. It’s not an easy thing to share so thank you for sharing your story. We were blessed with a little girl after six years and I thought it would be easy to get pregnant again since that’s what all my doctors and family had told me but nope. I’m very thankful for the chance I’ve been given to be a mom, but I too am hoping to give her a sibling to play with. Thank you again for sharing, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone.

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