As the heart grows fonder, it also breaks a little more


If you couldn’t tell by now, I love my nieces and nephews so much.  I would do anything for any of them.  They are what keep me so happy.  Each time I see them I just feel so much joy and I get more and more attached with each visit.

The downside of this is that it makes leaving them that much more difficult.  Going home is the hardest thing I have to do knowing I am not going to see them again for about a month.  It breaks my heart.  It also breaks my heart knowing that right now I can’t experience the joys of having what my brothers and sisters have.  Every day it gets a little more difficult to know that they have what I have wanted for years, they have what we struggle to get every day, they have something that comes with great difficulty to us.  To say I am green with envy is putting it lightly…and it is not the type of envy where I hold it against anyone…it’s just something I want so badly and just can’t get without struggles, failure, and a deep hole in our pockets.

We are over the $30,000 mark since starting this and we are looking at at least another 11,000 plus at least 2,500 for medication in the next cycle…money means nothing to me as long as we can pay it, I just wish something would give at this point.  I wish we could start sooner than later again.  I just wish and hope and dream and it kills me that it doesn’t come as easy as we would like it to.

I’m also getting completely sick to my stomach knowing that Joe is still without a job…this is so incredibly frustrating because we cannot save any money if he isn’t working and unemployment STILL hasn’t kicked in…so now we are living off of only one income and nothing else…it’s hard enough dealing with the failure of the first cycle and having to wait for the next one but to throw on unemployment and inability to save as a result it just shoots my stress levels through the roof.  Like I said, something has to give…seriously…there’s no way that our luck can be THIS bad and continue on the same path.  It’s just ridiculous and almost comical at this point.

But enough about my misfortunes…over the weekend I had a great time with my family, as usual.  I had a lot of fun at my nephew’s 3rd birthday party, it was superhero themed and I got to dress up as batgirl…my sister did an awesome job with the theme.

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