I’ve been at a loss of words for a week now. This time last week I was sitting in the waiting room of what was supposed to be my graduation day. I was so happy and so sad at the same time because I was supposed to be seeing my doctor for the last time. I knew as soon as she had him on the screen something was not right. My doctor went silent. I didn’t see the flashing of the beating heart. She zoomed in and tried to turn the sound on and nothing. He had stopped growing shortly after the last visit the week prior as he was measuring a week behind. She had another doctor come in to confirm the devastating news. My doctor kept on telling me this is not my fault, this is not my fault. I knew damn well that it wasn’t. I wanted this baby so much I did EVERYTHING in my power to be as healthy and proactive about staying safe as I possibly could…but that didn’t stop my little baby from leaving us.
I had my D&E on Wednesday. That was the worst day of my life. Sitting there, waiting for them to take my baby away from me. I made a nurse cry. I couldn’t hold it together…they had to sedate me before giving the anesthesia to calm me down. I woke up and he was gone. I still couldn’t keep it together. I still can’t keep it together. This is the worst feeling I have ever been through. I am hoping in a couple weeks they can at least give us some answers on what happened. I don’t know if I can handle an unknown cause of death.
I do want to try this again but I don’t ever want to go through THIS again, having answers on what went wrong may help…
I want to give my angel a baby brother or sister to look after so bad…
I want my take home baby.
My sweet little angel,
There are so many things I want to say to you. Above all I want you to know that we love you very much. You are loved by so many people who will forever keep you in their hearts.
Although we only knew you a short while you gave us a happiness I never knew existed. I don’t know if you are a boy or a girl, I didn’t even get a chance to feel you kick but we did get to see you, hear your tiny heart beat so strong, and even see you move. I am so sad that you couldn’t stay with us. I wonder what life would be with you in our life. I love you so much. Please keep a good eye on us from heaven, my little angel. One day I will have a baby to hold, but you already made me a mother.
I love you with all my heart.
We lost BOB. There are no words to describe what I am feeling.
In 24 hours I will be arriving at the hospital for my final visit at the fertility clinic as tomorrow is graduation day. I am extremely happy to have made it this far and extremely sad that the doctor who I have become so close with will be saying good bye and good luck to me. If I am tearing up right now just thinking about it I am scared of my reaction when I have to say good bye. I can’t imagine going through this without her but she is very confident in the practice that I chose to continue my journey so I should have nothing to worry about.
I plan on keeping her informed on my progress and inviting her to meet my baby when I deliver. I would really love for her to meet my mother so hopefully fate can make that happen for me. This woman changed my life for the better and I am so sad to be leaving her. She gave us what we so desperately wanted after years of heartache. I’m really going to miss her.
On the upside, we get to say Hi to BOB again tomorrow and check to make sure he is still as strong as he has been proving to be. Maybe we can get to see him move around again. I’ll have some more pictures to share in the next few days. It’s funny how something so tiny could have such an impact on me. I barely even know he is in there, only when we see the pictures on the screen…but he effects me in so many ways every day. I can’t wait until the day that I get to feel him move…
I guess it is fitting that I am attending a Graduation Party this weekend…
Today I am 9 weeks pregnant which officially makes BOB a fetus! How exciting!
We were able to see BOB on Friday and he has come leaps and bounds from that little blob of cells we first saw. He was just under an inch big and has little arms and legs now…he was even caught wiggling around! This week he should get to about the size of a plum, approx 1 1/2 inches. We get to see him again on Friday for my last appointment with the fertility specialist…I will be graduating to my OB after that appointment and I have my first OB appointment next Wednesday. That’s going to be a sad day, I love my doctor and I can’t imagine going through the rest of this pregnancy without her.
I’m still feeling great, I only have an earlier bed time…but the last couple nights it has been interrupted by visitors…I just want to sleep straight through and not have my sleep interrupted. I’m starting to get a little pooch from BOB…and he definitely feels bigger as the day goes on and the more I am moving around. I had my sisters feel my uterus on Saturday because it felt big after walking around with them all day.
I also got to meet my newest nephew, Benjamin, this weekend. He was so tiny and so cute. He loved sleeping on my left boob! I can’t wait to see him again!
Without further ado…here’s the most recent picture of BOB – I love his little arms and legs!
8 weeks 2 days
***please note when I say “he” it is in place of the word “it” and by no means indicates that we know the gender nor does it mean I have a gender preference, it simply means I do not like the word “it” and until we know the gender BOB is a “he” simply because of the nickname we chose. I have been receiving lots of comments about the pronoun use and didn’t think it was going to be that big of a deal but apparently it is.
Today I get to see BOB again. I am not sure if they are going to graduate me today or if I will have one more week with my wonderful doctor before shipping me off to the real world. It’s going to be hard to see BOB less frequently than I do right now, I’ve gotten used to seeing him every week!
I’m a little nervous for my first real appointment, I am not sure what to expect? I’ve read a good amount of information on what to expect on the first visit, however most of the stuff appears to have already been covered in the last few weeks at my fertility specialists office? Do they still do all the routine panels? Do they still need to give me a pregnancy test if I have clear pictures of BOB in my graduation folder? I don’t like NOT knowing what to expect so that’s probably why I am driving myself a little batty right now…I also have gotten so accustomed to my doctor it’s going to be hard to be passed around to different people so I make my rounds to all the OB’s in the office so I am familiar with one of the 5 who will be delivering my baby. I wish my doctor could do it all but alas, she’s busy helping people like me achieve their dreams. She’s a wonderful human being and I am so thankful for everything she has done for us. She’s so wonderful and always so concerned about how I am feeling and when she sees me nervous she is always there to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be OK. I’m going to miss her. I hope she gives me one more week with her!
Awesome news, I am going up for a visit to my family this weekend and my brother and sister in law just gave birth to their new baby boy yesterday! He was 4 days early so I think he knew I was coming up for a visit and wanted to meet me 😉 Hopefully they will have a name picked out soon so I can call him by his proper name!
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
We were able to hear BOB’s heart beat on Friday at our 3rd Ultrasound. We also received our due date (1/22/2014).
On Sunday we went to a race and on one of the race cars the driver dedicated the front fenders to BOB with lettering stating “Coming Soon BOB 2014” – it was so sweet! He ended up winning! BOB is good luck already. We received so many heart warming congratulations, it was amazing.
Do you want to hear what we heard? It’s amazing…that’s the only way I can describe it. Here’s BOB’s first audible heartbeat: