HCG Nightmare

Really…now my numbers want to double and triple?  Now that the pregnancy is not viable?  This is insane, and pure torture!

Going in tomorrow for an ultrasound even though they probably won’t be able to see anything…just checking my tubes to make sure there’s nothing in them…

current hcg 152.

Dear Santa

I know that it would be impossible to complete my Christmas list this year, you know I’ve been a good girl and should get a really good present, but could we possibly start preparing for next year’s Christmas present?  I only want one thing.  You know very well what it is.  Please talk with the stork on making this a reality next year.

Thank you.


Infertility leads to Anger.  Anger leads to Hate.  Hate leads to Obsession.  Obsession leads to the Dark Side.
Yoda; Star Wars Episode 43, Revenge of the Hormones

Obsession.  This is what it has become.  This is what I am dealing with.  After my loss with BOB undergoing treatments became an obsession.  I was no longer excited to start another round because “this could be it”, I HAD to start another round.  I gave myself no time to heal.  As soon as I was able to, as soon as my levels were down to zero I started back up.  I didn’t give myself time to breathe.  As soon as the third attempt failed I went in the next day to start the FET round.  I was obsessed with getting this to work.  This is now my life.

Obsession isn’t healthy.  I need to be healthy.

What’s next for us?  This is the biggest question I have been avoiding, but not anymore.  What I have decided is I need time to heal.  My body needs time to heal.  In the course of one year I went through three fresh and 1 frozen cycle.  I have had 140 needles, 41 office visits, have been under anesthesia 5 times, and had 2 Miscarriages.  That is a lot to go through.  We still have one more embryo in the freezer that I am not giving up on.  I want to give this embryo a chance.  After I have given myself time to heal, physically and emotionally, after I have found a way to not make this an obsession, after I have taken care of myself and get back to the positive person I used to be, after I feel I am ready I will give this last embryo a chance to be my rainbow baby.  This isn’t going to be easy because all I want to do right now is jump in those stirrups and do it right now but I know I wouldn’t be providing the best home for this child with the anxiety and stress I feel.

I’m going to try to enjoy the holidays and take some time off from the infertility office.  I don’t know if this is going to take 3 moths, 6 months, or even a year, I just know that I need to do this for myself and for my future babies.

Loving and missing my angels so much.  I’ll see you in my dreams, babies.

Torture. Pure Torture.

In the last four years I have seen countless pregnancies, some to great mommies and daddies who planned and tried for these babies, some without trying, some to only one mommy or daddy who love their babies very much, and some to two mommies or two daddies.  I have also seen some babies born to not so good mommies or daddies.  In all of these cases I have been jealous, envious of what they have and enjoy and love, and envious of what they have but don’t realize what a blessing they have been given.  I am envious of the good and envious of the bad.

For several years I have been struggling to come to terms with our infertility and the jealousy accompanied by it. When will it be my turn? When can I stop paying countless medical bills to get what comes so easy to others?  When will I have a day I don’t have to remember to wake up early for an injection, a pill, a doctor’s appointment, or another surgery?  When will my reminder alarms show anything else besides medications or appointments?  When will I be called mommy by my own child?

In June 2013 I lost my child, my first baby, my BOB.  They joy I felt when Joe told me that my blood test came back positive was so overwhelming.  Then I saw my baby for the first time and I instantly fell in love.  I heard his heart beat the following week and two weeks later I saw him move.  I never thought anything would happen to this child, but at my 9 1/2 week appointment I was given devastating news…my baby no longer had a heart beat.  I don’t think I have ever felt my heart break quite so much.  I couldn’t breathe.  A few days later I needed surgery and I couldn’t keep myself together…they had to sedate me to keep me calm.  I didn’t know how much more of this I can take.  We had already paid over $60,000 in medical bills at this point for infertility.  I didn’t know if I could ever put myself through this again.

Somehow the desire to be a mother overcomes all.  I found the strength to put myself through all the procedures again, we got a personal loan to help pay for a third fresh cycle as our funds were already dry at this point.  Another IVF attempt and another failure…but we were able to go further than we ever did before.  We had 3 embryos who were so strong they were able to be saved and frozen for another try.  On Halloween I went in for my FET where I met my frozen babies again and it worked.  I was Pregnant.  Full of love.  Joyful.  Scared. So scared, in fact, that I warned quite a few people keeping tabs on me that I didn’t want to be questioned on how I was feeling, what’s next, etc because of what happened with BOB.  I wanted to take things one day at a time.  Yesterday, my fears and anxieties came to life.  We learned I am losing my babies again.  I am devastated.  I don’t know how life can be this cruel to us.  I want to try again but I am scared.  Our funds have dried up [now 75k deep in this], I have put my body and emotions through hell and back.  I am so sick, in quite a bit of pain, and have to wait to naturally pass my babies.  I have to keep going in for blood work to follow my numbers down to zero and be constantly reminded of yet another failure and loss.  This is pure torture.

I am scared to death of losing another child but I need to keep focusing on the end game.  I need to keep focusing on knowing at the end of this battle, however long it may take, that I will no longer have to take another estrogen pill, receive multiple injections, have my x00th blood draw, go to another appointment at the infertility office, or have another surgery.  I’ll no longer be waking in the middle of the night crying over heartache or loss, I will have a little one crying for me and all the love I have to give.  I have put my all into this and then some and I hope that, one day, I can be the mother that every child deserves.


I love you, my angels.  You will forever be in my heart.  ❤ Bob, Freddie, & Jason

So Sick…So Scared

I don’t know what else to be at this point.

The nurse did tell me not to google anything, that I would scare myself silly.  You can’t tell me that, now I need to google.  I wish I never did.  She said this isn’t bad yet, that the new standard for normal pregnancy is a minimum rise of 30-35% and I was approx 38%…but they like to see doubling.  She needs to see my levels rise drastically tomorrow or it probably won’t be a good outcome.

Although there’s not a lot of info out there on IVF and Vanishing Twin Syndrome this is the best case scenario for us.  Still crappy, but the best case scenario.  How am I expected to wait another 24 hours for a follow up blood test and then hours after that for the results of said test waiting on do I cautiously jump for joy or cry my fucking eyes out?

I’m already a mess, I’m trying so hard to be strong but this is just a shitty shitty situation and it is so hard after all the crap we have gone through to stay strong.  I don’t know if I can handle losing another pregnancy.  I don’t know what I am doing wrong.  I don’t know what I did to deserve to go through all of this.  It is incredibly difficult to stay focused when all I get is shit news.

Something’s gotta give at some point.  I hope and pray for the best scenario tomorrow, but until then I am so sick to my stomach over all of the bad news in this past year.  I really wish I knew how to make this all better.  I really wish there will be a time that I don’t have to wake up crying because I can’t have the only thing in life that I truly want.

Please continue the prayers, I really need them.


:Keep Repeating: This will work, this has to work…