Holy Blood Work!

Since I finally got a negative result on my quantitative hcg test last week I was given the all clear to get my clotting panel done at my discretion.  Being the proactive person I am I wanted to get it done before the holidays so I don’t have to worry about any more testing and try to enjoy the holidays.

Let me just remind you for a second about how much I hate needles and blood.  A LOT.

So I walk into the lab, sign my little name in, sit next to Joe, and in a few minutes I am called back.  The phlebotomist checks my paper work and goes “Oh God, that’s a lot!” … “yes, I know, I hate needles and blood so I am already anxious about this…let’s just get this over with”  I was back there for 45 minutes in total.  A half hour of it was printing labels and figuring out what is frozen, what is room temperature, getting all the colored tubes coordinated.  Then the fun began.

The woman must have been nervous taking that much from me because I felt her anxiety.  The needle wasn’t too bad but I think she used a larger gauge than I am used to because it hurt for the entire 28 vials.  25 in I hear her going “shoot shoot shoot” and I’m thinking it slipped out…I don’t know what was shoot…then I felt it, she saw all the color drain out of my body.  My face turned tingly, my lips especially, I felt nauseated and my whole body felt heavy.  She kept on saying “stay with me Erin! Last one!” and she got it all in but then I was done.  She draped me over the table, threw a cotton ball and tape on my arm (which didn’t really hold because there was no pressure applied) and I was in and out.  I saw blood dripping down my arm, all over the floor, on my pants.  A cold towel was thrown on my neck and another nurse scrambled to get me cold water.

At this point my husband was getting worried because of how long I was back there and saw a little of the scramble.  He said “Is my wife ok?? Can I see her?” and a nurse brings him back and asks “Does this belong to you?” yes.  Yes he did.  He was pretty worried.  In the scramble my phlebotomist kept trying to make sure I was awake and asking me how old I was, what year it was, my birthday, etc.  It took a few minutes but the color came back to my face and I felt better…weak, but better.  My arm still hurts from all of this and I have a lovely bruise from it all…it will make a wonderful accessory to my Christmas outfit.

I’m glad it’s over, though.  I wanted to get it done and it is.  I’ll get the results hopefully before the New Year, but it can take up to 10 days.  So with that, my holidays can officially start…one day of work to get through and then I can travel tomorrow to see my family.

I hope everyone has a VERY Merry Christmas.

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I’m still here!

I am so very sorry it took me this long to write a post…I have been so crazy I can’t even think straight.

On December 4th I had an “emergency” D&C – they located the sac and wanted to get it out as the numbers kept on rising but there was nothing to save.  They wanted to make sure that the cells did not turn cancerous and also needed to rule out ectopic as two had implanted but I think I lost one a few weeks prior.  If my HCG went down after this then we have nothing to worry about.

December 10th I had my first blood work after the surgery to check to make sure the numbers were going down, and they fell drastically from 859 to 13.5.  Good news.  December 17th I had another round of blood work and the results are finally negative.

On Saturday I will be going to get my clotting panel done, I wanted everything out of the way before Christmas so I can try to enjoy the holidays with my family.  I’ll probably get those results closer to the new year but at least it will be done.

They’ve been keeping me quite the busy bee at work so I do apologize for my sabbatical.  Hopefully my time will be cleared up shortly and I can be a much better blogger.

If I don’t post until then I would really like to wish all of my blog friends a very Merry Christmas.

Also, I just wanted to wish my husband a very happy birthday! Love you!!!

Update

They were able to locate the pregnancy.  It is in the uterus (good news).  I do not have to get the methotrexate injection as of right now (also good news).

Tomorrow I am tentatively scheduled for a D&C to remove the tissue.  At this point they will be able to send it out and see if there is any pregnancy tissue in there, if not then there may be unresolved issues.  If there is tissue then they will do some genetic testing again.

There is still a possibility of ectopic but we won’t know that until after the D&C and the blood tests to see if this solves the problem of the hcg rising.  If the hcg is still rising after the D&C then a methotrexate injection is inevitable but for right now we are trying our damnedst to avoid it.

One day at a time.  I am so glad they were able to finally locate it.

On top of that my right ovary is huge…that will also have to be watched to make sure it shrinks back down to normal size…

Silence

I am sorry I have been silent.  With the holiday and all the doctor’s visits my life has just become too much to handle.

My levels continue to rise.  On Saturday it was 517 and they scheduled another ultrasound and more bloodwork for Tuesday.  They are hoping with the rate of how they are rising that they could at least locate where it is which would decide what kind of intervention is needed at this point to help.

Mentally I am a disaster.  I just want this to be over so I can get on with my life and try to grieve.  As much as I wanted these babies it is hard to hear myself say that.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

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UPDATE:  Received another call from my doctor…she personally called me from her cell phone.  Apparently my tubes and life are at risk at this point and if they can’t find anything tomorrow I have to get a second opinion the following day…at the earliest tomorrow we should have some answers on what to do or where it is located but it may not be until Wednesday.

Obsession.

Infertility leads to Anger.  Anger leads to Hate.  Hate leads to Obsession.  Obsession leads to the Dark Side.
Yoda; Star Wars Episode 43, Revenge of the Hormones

Obsession.  This is what it has become.  This is what I am dealing with.  After my loss with BOB undergoing treatments became an obsession.  I was no longer excited to start another round because “this could be it”, I HAD to start another round.  I gave myself no time to heal.  As soon as I was able to, as soon as my levels were down to zero I started back up.  I didn’t give myself time to breathe.  As soon as the third attempt failed I went in the next day to start the FET round.  I was obsessed with getting this to work.  This is now my life.

Obsession isn’t healthy.  I need to be healthy.

What’s next for us?  This is the biggest question I have been avoiding, but not anymore.  What I have decided is I need time to heal.  My body needs time to heal.  In the course of one year I went through three fresh and 1 frozen cycle.  I have had 140 needles, 41 office visits, have been under anesthesia 5 times, and had 2 Miscarriages.  That is a lot to go through.  We still have one more embryo in the freezer that I am not giving up on.  I want to give this embryo a chance.  After I have given myself time to heal, physically and emotionally, after I have found a way to not make this an obsession, after I have taken care of myself and get back to the positive person I used to be, after I feel I am ready I will give this last embryo a chance to be my rainbow baby.  This isn’t going to be easy because all I want to do right now is jump in those stirrups and do it right now but I know I wouldn’t be providing the best home for this child with the anxiety and stress I feel.

I’m going to try to enjoy the holidays and take some time off from the infertility office.  I don’t know if this is going to take 3 moths, 6 months, or even a year, I just know that I need to do this for myself and for my future babies.

Loving and missing my angels so much.  I’ll see you in my dreams, babies.

Torture. Pure Torture.

In the last four years I have seen countless pregnancies, some to great mommies and daddies who planned and tried for these babies, some without trying, some to only one mommy or daddy who love their babies very much, and some to two mommies or two daddies.  I have also seen some babies born to not so good mommies or daddies.  In all of these cases I have been jealous, envious of what they have and enjoy and love, and envious of what they have but don’t realize what a blessing they have been given.  I am envious of the good and envious of the bad.

For several years I have been struggling to come to terms with our infertility and the jealousy accompanied by it. When will it be my turn? When can I stop paying countless medical bills to get what comes so easy to others?  When will I have a day I don’t have to remember to wake up early for an injection, a pill, a doctor’s appointment, or another surgery?  When will my reminder alarms show anything else besides medications or appointments?  When will I be called mommy by my own child?

In June 2013 I lost my child, my first baby, my BOB.  They joy I felt when Joe told me that my blood test came back positive was so overwhelming.  Then I saw my baby for the first time and I instantly fell in love.  I heard his heart beat the following week and two weeks later I saw him move.  I never thought anything would happen to this child, but at my 9 1/2 week appointment I was given devastating news…my baby no longer had a heart beat.  I don’t think I have ever felt my heart break quite so much.  I couldn’t breathe.  A few days later I needed surgery and I couldn’t keep myself together…they had to sedate me to keep me calm.  I didn’t know how much more of this I can take.  We had already paid over $60,000 in medical bills at this point for infertility.  I didn’t know if I could ever put myself through this again.

Somehow the desire to be a mother overcomes all.  I found the strength to put myself through all the procedures again, we got a personal loan to help pay for a third fresh cycle as our funds were already dry at this point.  Another IVF attempt and another failure…but we were able to go further than we ever did before.  We had 3 embryos who were so strong they were able to be saved and frozen for another try.  On Halloween I went in for my FET where I met my frozen babies again and it worked.  I was Pregnant.  Full of love.  Joyful.  Scared. So scared, in fact, that I warned quite a few people keeping tabs on me that I didn’t want to be questioned on how I was feeling, what’s next, etc because of what happened with BOB.  I wanted to take things one day at a time.  Yesterday, my fears and anxieties came to life.  We learned I am losing my babies again.  I am devastated.  I don’t know how life can be this cruel to us.  I want to try again but I am scared.  Our funds have dried up [now 75k deep in this], I have put my body and emotions through hell and back.  I am so sick, in quite a bit of pain, and have to wait to naturally pass my babies.  I have to keep going in for blood work to follow my numbers down to zero and be constantly reminded of yet another failure and loss.  This is pure torture.

I am scared to death of losing another child but I need to keep focusing on the end game.  I need to keep focusing on knowing at the end of this battle, however long it may take, that I will no longer have to take another estrogen pill, receive multiple injections, have my x00th blood draw, go to another appointment at the infertility office, or have another surgery.  I’ll no longer be waking in the middle of the night crying over heartache or loss, I will have a little one crying for me and all the love I have to give.  I have put my all into this and then some and I hope that, one day, I can be the mother that every child deserves.

 

I love you, my angels.  You will forever be in my heart.  ❤ Bob, Freddie, & Jason