Potty training eve **warning – this post contains a picture of a poo

Tonight we change our toddler into his last night time diaper and say farewell to the changing mat.  Tomorrow when Joey wakes up he will be stripped of his diaper and placed on the potty and there’s no turning back.

What have I gotten myself into?  I mean, I know it’s time.  He’s ready.  We’ve been amping up this day for weeks.  Why am I not ready?

We created this child in September 2013, he was frozen for a whole year before we met again, and now he’s this crazy talkative and bright little man.  He’s not tiny anymore.  He’s my big boy.  I don’t know if I am emotionally ready for this but I will pretend to be strong for him so we can get through this.

OK, I think I’ve finished my pity party.  Thanks for joining me for that.  I’d love to hear your experiences (the good the bad and the ugly), any tips, words of encouragement, or something particularly funny to get me through the next week.

Oh…and about that warning of a poo picture.  Joey finally successfully pooped in the potty the other day but last night…well…he had other plans for that poo.












poo picture


Seriously? How do you fail at that?

You’d think that a “simple” procedure such as the coculture would at least be an easy thing for us…right? I mean they take my blood, they take a hunk or 2 of tissue, they grow said tissue on a petri dish…no problemo!

Well…leave it to me to throw the twist in here…get this…my cells didn’t freaking grow on the god damn Petri dish so there is no sample to freeze to use for the next cycle!


I’m serious.  And there is no good reason why.  There is actually no reason why at all.  They have no clue and the only thing I was told was not to worry because it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong, these things just happen sometimes for unknown reasons.

Part of me wonders if that is just an excuse for someone’s mistake? Was there a cross contamination that caused this that I don’t know about?

What I am left with right now is 2 options.  I can either go through the pain of the biopsy again or I can just let them use the gallon of blood they took from me in preparation of creating the coculture…they would use the blood instead of the tissue and blood combination to aid in embryo quality. 

I really really don’t want to do another biopsy because 1. it REALLY hurts and 2. there is nothing wrong with me or anything on my part and there is no proof that this aids in male infertility AT ALL (which was admitted to me by my doctor when I asked her the day she tore my insides out), to me this is just an added step and more money for those who have a failed IVF.  If it were me having the problems then I would say sure, go ahead, tear me a new one again with my legs propped up proudly, but ever since I asked my doctor point blank how this will help the Male DNA and she said it won’t I didn’t think I should be doing this.

Needless to say I am veering on the side of not going through the torture again.  I am just so angry that nothing ever goes right with us.  NOTHING.  I gave that a valiant effort even though I didn’t agree with why it was being done, I followed all the directions to a T, and I still failed.

What a lovely start to the weekend.  I also got to take the phone call at work and act like nothing was wrong for the rest of the day since basically everyone except my boss has no idea what is going on with me…yay for pretend happiness…I guess I am used to that at this point.

I hope everyone else is having a better start to their weekend than me.  Hopefully it will get better once I get to see my nieces and nephew’s at the super hero themed birthday party…I’m batgirl 🙂

End Rant.

Does it get easier?

I know it has only been 2 days since we received the awful news…but the hurt is not getting any better and I don’t think it will.  It may get easier to mask my sadness as the days go on but I don’t think my heart will ever heal from losing our little Batman and Robin.

Our review appointment is set for December 21st at 3:15 – we get to find out if they have any clue what happened and we get to hear what they suggest our next steps should be or if we should be on a different protocol or who knows…

I asked Joe to call his doctor and request a sperm DNA fragmentation test – I don’t think it is a coincidence that every single embryo died at the time where the Male DNA contributes to 2/3 of the embryo growth.  There has to be a reason and if we can rule out fragmented DNA then so be it…at least having this test done will ease my mind.  And if it turns out his DNA is fragmented and we can’t even conceive via ICSI then we will consider donors…but we are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work for the both of us before considering that option.

His doctor said the test is unnecessary and has only sent patients to have it done after 7 or 8 failed attempts…I can’t imagine going through this feeling that many times and spending that amount of money.  If we can at least get the test done to put my mind at ease then I want it done.  I want all bases covered.  I believe in his special case it should have been done from the beginning but I was not aware of this possibility, I had high hopes that this was going to work on the first shot because I have a very healthy home for our embryos and it just wasn’t enough, they were doomed from the beginning and I have no idea why.

I can’t stop my mind from thinking a mile a minute about what could have gone wrong…next Friday can’t get here soon enough.  There is no doubt in my mind that we are going to attempt this again, I just want so badly for this to work.  I feel so weak from all the hurt but I know that I am strong for what we went through.