Week 16

4 weeks until the half way point…holy crap!  There was no huge life shattering event this week…I mentioned the beginning of the teeny tiny movements I’m feeling (quickening, if you want to be technical).  I don’t feel it regularly but that will happen soon enough.  Yeah, it scares the bajesus out of me because it isn’t constant but on my frantic reading I have discovered that it won’t be regular for a little while.

Joe started AND FINISHED the chair rail for baby’s room on Saturday…now that’s exciting!  Even got the trim to the closet doors hung.  We need a good weekend to paint several doors, have to get some spackling done and then we can paint baby’s room which means I can then finally order the furniture!  Now THAT’S exciting 🙂

Tuesday I have to run to the lab for the second part of my sequential screening blood work.  I’ve heard so many people tell me (in response to knowing my fear of needles) that I’ll get used to them once I see how many I get while being pregnant…but you know what, this is nothing compared to getting 3 needles a day jabbed in my stomach and almost daily blood work.  I still don’t like them after having literally HUNDREDS of them in the last couple years…but this being pregnant thing is easy peasy in comparison.  My veins actually have time to heal between blood draws…that’s pretty awesome, if you ask me.

How far along?    16w3d

Total weight gain/loss? 3lbs – I won’t know any differently until my next check up… on the 14th I think?  I think I gained another 2lbs since my last visit but who knows…

Gender?   Not yet…still have like a whole month to go!

Maternity clothes?  some…I feel weird having my pants unbuttoned and unzippered most of the day so I’ve given in on most days by wearing my lovely paneled pants.

Stretch marks?   nope

Sleep?   It’s great!  I actually got 11 whole hours of sleep on Saturday night…I REALLY needed that…I think it is almost time to break out the snoogle…I’m starting to get some back pain so that may help alleviate it.

Best moment this week?  any time I feel baby wiggling around…and we saw Joe’s grandma yesterday…she’s so excited for baby 🙂

Miss anything?   Nope

Movement?  Little tiny ones…baby was just wiggling around after our lovely peanut, granola, and honey breakfast bar

Food cravings?  eh…not really

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Nope

Symptoms?   I’ve been lucky…but a few days ago the bleeding gums started…only when I brush.

Labor Signs?  Nope

Belly Button in or out?  In

Wedding rings on or off?  On

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Happy!

Looking forward to?  I get to see some of Joe’s cousins this weekend for a Halloween party…they haven’t seen my bump yet!  I can’t wait to do Joe’s makeup lol…we’re being vampires.

Here’s my 16w1d picture:



What did I do differently?

I’ve wanted to write this post for a few weeks now…what did I do differently in this successful round that I didn’t do in other rounds?

You know, this time I really didn’t fret about things like eating pineapples or 3 full days of bed rest after the transfer or anything like that.  In fact, I think I still have a full can of pineapple juice sitting in my closet that I meant to drink but didn’t want it to become an obsession.  This time I just kind of went with the flow and didn’t let anything bother me or get me going.

I did go to an acupuncturist who recommended keeping my body warm by eating “warm foods” and not wearing anything that felt snug especially on the day of the transfer.  I saw my acupuncturist weekly from when I started the bcps until the day of the transfer when I saw her right before and immediately afterwards.  This really kept my stress levels low.  I went for walks to get the blood flow going and to aid with stress levels as well.  I’ve never had a lining problem but all of this really helped me have an overachieving lining…it was SOOO cushy and thick.  The doctor and nurses were impressed!

I didn’t save everything like I did with every other round, it forced me not to obsess over every little detail.  I didn’t tell a soul we were going back to do this last round so that I didn’t have that unnecessary nervousness of thinking “how do I tell them if this fails?” rather, I envisioned how we were going to surprise them with good news, something we’ve never done before – this forced negative feelings into feelings of hopefulness and positivity.

The time off really did help, too.  It was a full six months from when my beta levels finally reached zero a few weeks after my emergency d&c to when I jumped back in the stirrups.  In the time off we went on a vacation and it really helped take my mind off of the crazy world of IVF and infertility.  I kept my mind occupied even during the FET by going back to school.  This forced me not to focus on every twinge my body made, I had something else to focus my attention on which was much less stress than I would have encountered if I had nothing else to think about but what was going on with our frozen baby.

Also, everything you can think of that would cause stress happened to me before and during this entire pregnancy but rather than freaking out and panicking I really tried my best to not let it bother me and to try to find a solution to the problem that would have the least stressful impact.  Sure, I’ve had a few bouts of the crazies but they were quickly diminished with solid solutions.  I think I can thank Joe for this, he’s been a real helper in trying to keep drama and stress away from me; however, this forces him to take the brunt of it.  The poor guy is even cooking now since I’ve been so busy with school and work – sometimes he’s moderately successful, sometimes we just call it a fail and scratch that recipe from the books, but at least he tries and for that I am thankful.

I wouldn’t say that I was disconnected from this successful round, rather I was more connected than ever by forcing myself not to obsess or become stressed out by taking certain actions prior to the FET even starting.  I worked on my stress levels through acupuncture, I focused my always racing mind elsewhere, I removed the negative thoughts before they even happened, and I focused on positive thoughts.  Every day I focused on my angels and asked them to protect the embryo growing inside me and almost everyday I would get a sign that they were visiting me…it was always rainbows.  This brought a lot of joy into my day.

So there you have it, that’s what I did differently.  There’s no secret weapons of pineapple cores or royal jelly and fuzzy socks and lots of bed rest, rather my attitude and keeping my mind focused elsewhere were the real changes I made and I am happy I made them as they’ve definitely carried forward as I progress into my 16th week.  I still am in shock that I’ve made it this far and that baby c is always impressing me by the way s/he is always outperforming.  I’m already starting to feel movement and it is the best feeling that I never thought I would ever feel.  I feel like I’m dreaming and I don’t ever want to wake up.

None of this made me less scared, though, that’s one thing I couldn’t shake was the constant feeling of being scared (which is still present today) but that comes with the territory of multiple losses.  Rather than dwell on the sadness I celebrated the short time I had with my babies always.  I am sad but I accept the fact that they are my angels and love them so much for protecting me.  I am scared but I find ways to try to calm myself down if only just a little bit.  The one thing I have learned to accept is that scared feeling will probably never go away even after baby c is born.  We are both very protective of this little bean already and I think we both try to hide how absolutely frightened we are because we are embarking on a series of firsts that seemed so unattainable for years.

So there you have it…that’s my story of this last round and I hope that the information can be beneficial to someone.  I know it is easier said than done to calm down, I’ve said that numerous times, but there is an importance in keeping stress low and keeping positive.  I truly do believe this.

15 Week Bumpdate

So I got the chance to visit family over the weekend, that was much needed!  My little belly grew substantially since I last saw them at just over 11 weeks.  Since I normally take my weekly bump photos on Saturday we got to do it at my mother’s house which obviously means there was a lot of silliness…I won’t overload you with pictures but I may include one or two silly ones below.  I’m starting my new class today so I’m going to keep this short as I have lots of work to do!

How far along?    15w3d

Total weight gain/loss? 3lbs

Gender?   Not yet – another month and a half almost until we find out

Maternity clothes?  some – my normal tops are too tight so I am wearing either bigger shirts or I have a couple small maternity tops that fit well.  I’m still wearing my normal pants, albeit they are uncomfortable but maternity pants fall off of me even though they are supposedly my size.  I just unbutton my pants all day lol…

Stretch marks?   Nope!  And I hope to never get them but I won’t cry if I do, all part of the miracle of growing a teeny tiny human inside me.

Sleep?   Uh-Maze-Ing.  Seriously.  I sleep better now than I ever have.  I slept 10 hours the other night and it felt spectacular.  Most other nights I am getting my 8 full hours unless a cat decides it wants to freak out in the middle of the night, or if Joe drops the remote, or snores REALLY loudly.

Best moment this week?  I GOT TO SEE MY FAMILY!!!! I love visiting, it makes my month.  If I wasn’t so far away I’d see them every freaking day.  Oh, and guess what…right now…at this very moment…I feel teeny tiny little nudges on the inside of my belly.  I barely even noticed them until I focused really really hard – last night I thought I felt the same thing right after chugging some apple juice and right now I am having my small amount of caffeine fix and I feel the same thing but more…I think that’s baby!!! I’m going to try to focus later today with a glass of apple juice again to see if I can replicate it.  It’s fantastical.

Miss anything?   NOPE!  I’m loving every moment of this (aside from the anxiety)

Movement?  Just the teeniest tiniest little bit! Super excited 🙂

Food cravings?  Nothing out of the ordinary

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Nope

Symptoms?   Really the only thing I have are these amazing tatas that I swear have nipples made of razor blades and a growing uterus, everything else is pretty much on par from pre-pregnancy.

Labor Signs?  NOPE

Belly Button in or out?  In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time?   I’m happy as a pie

Looking forward to?  Not just thinking but knowing that what I am feeling is actually baby…and Thanksgiving…and in a few weeks we are going to Shady Maple for some awesome Amish food.

Here’s some fun pictures 🙂



15w1d with Joseph

15w1d with Joseph

15w1d with my niece, Trinity

15w1d with my niece, Trinity

"Bumping it out"

“Bumping it out”

Mr Ed decided to pop by - obviously Trinity is NOT entertained...

Mr Ed decided to pop by – obviously Trinity is NOT entertained…

October 15th Wave of Light

Yesterday was such a busy day…between school work and work work I’ve been going non stop, but I made sure I had my candle lit!!  I’ve been reminding everyone on facebook about this date and how important it is to participate in it.  I’m not silent in our struggles, our losses, and our pain.  Ever since our first loss I have made it known that it hurts…BAD…and the things we had to go through to get where we are today is not fun, not cheap, and does not go by unappreciated.  I’ve seen my fertility doctors more than my family in the last few years and I finally had to part ways with them because I finally graduated…but the graduation came with a heavy heart and a ton of anxiety.

Every day I wished for a symptom to know everything is ok.  Every day I worry something may go wrong.  Every day I’m careful about what I do and what I eat and where I go in fear that something may affect this pregnancy.  These anxieties stem from the losses of my children.  I am scared shitless and I will be until the day this child is born.

You never get over a loss.  People who haven’t been in this position find it hard to understand and avoid the conversation.  Yesterday was a day to show our love for our angels and it also shows support for the women who may not be as open about their pain…to let them know they are not alone in the world…to let them know that it is ok to hurt and it is ok to be not ok.

So while I was engulfed in a project for my graduate program I made sure that at 7 o’clock on the dot I had a candle lit for my angels, everyone else’s angels, and for those who need to see that they are not alone in the world.  Maybe it will help them be more open about it?  Maybe it will make them feel better that they hurt and don’t understand why they still hurt?  A friend who lost her son described these candles as giving the angels a great big hug…I think she is right.  Here’s my candle, lit and burning brightly while I worked on my assignment.  I’m never too busy to honor the angels, they are our protectors, and our  babies.

October 15th - Wave of light

October 15th – Wave of light

Second Trimester – 14w3d

I really hope I’m not jinxing my progress with these updates but I am feeling a little more safe now that I am finally in the second trimester.  So last week I got a bonus ultrasound because the lab drew the wrong set of blood work (harmony was drawn rather than the first part of the sequential screening).  I always get so nervous at the appointments because I’ve never made it this far and its new and scary to me.  I know my shit, though.  They really don’t have to explain much of what or why they are doing what they are doing and they seem to know I know my shit because I can recite the testing and screenings by name in the order they need to be done.

They seem to have forgotten to run my thyroid in my last blood panel, though, even though I specifically asked for it to be ran to determine whether or not I should be continuing the levothyroxine so they ordered the test today and I should have the results next week.  The doctor will need to consult my RE to determine what I should do if my levels are still abnormally low (which I expect them to be…)

We heard the heartbeat at today’s appointment which was amazing…158bpm and very strong.  This little bugger is active – kept on moving around when she located it but baby stayed still long enough to get an accurate measurement after a few minutes!

The only crappy part about today was we found out we won’t get to hear baby’s heartbeat again until our next appointment in a month and we won’t see baby again for a month and a half – Cue massive anxiety.  Hopefully between now and then baby gets strong enough to punch and kick me to let me know that everything is A-OK.

So here goes nothing – my first real bumpdate:

How far along?    14 weeks and 3 days – hooray for second trimester!

Total weight gain/loss?   3lbs – this is perfect 🙂

Gender?   Too soon

Maternity clothes? I’m in that awkward phase where my normal clothes are a tad tight and maternity clothes are like a tent so I’m doing the ol’ hair tie trick on pants and just dealing with it…

Stretch marks?   Nope

Sleep?   Very good…except for when Joseph snores loudly then I wake up and pinch his nose shut.

Best moment this week? Had my first appointment of the second trimester today, heard the heart beat – a perfect 158bpm

Miss anything?   Not being able to see baby every week…the RE really did spoil me rotten.  I miss them so much!

Movement?  You know, I swear sometimes I feel something…like the tiniest of movements if I sit and concentrate and hold where the baby is but I’m not quite sure if what I am feeling is actually baby but I’d like to think it is.  I can’t wait until I know for sure that it’s baby.

Food cravings? Not really… 

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Nope, nothing at all.

Symptoms?   Big ol’ boobies and a growing uterus…that’s about it!  The nurse seems to be amazed that I wasn’t nauseous or fatigued.  I think that so far it’s been a cake walk after dealing with all the fertility treatments…seriously.

Labor Signs?  HA…not for a loooonnng time.

Belly Button in or out?   Way in.

Wedding rings on or off?   On

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Are you kidding, I’m on a freaking high I can’t come off of.  I’m a big ball of happy.

Looking forward to?   My next appointment that is soooooo far away!!

And here’s a pic of the 14 week bump, one with Joseph, and one with Moose 🙂

14w1d14w1d with Joseph 14w1d with Moose

And before I forget, you guys are amazing with all the kind words and welcoming me back just made my week!  Thank you all!

Where have I been??

It’s been 9 1/2 months since I last posted in this blog.  Part of the reason for my departure was the torture I endured when I logged on a few months after my last post and seeing that a huge portion of all the infertility blogs I was following had transformed into pregnancy blogs and dealing with that latest loss was just too difficult for me to handle.  I made a vow to myself that I needed to get healthy and actually take some time to HEAL prior to returning.  All the blood work I spoke of in my last post led to the discovery that I have no clotting disorders but my base line folic acid levels were low so I was put on 3mg daily in addition to the 1mg in my daily vitamin.  This is when my healing started.

In March of this year Joe and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and he surprised me with a vacation to Cancun, this would be our actual honeymoon since we never took ours.  The trip was amazing, so relaxing, and just magical.  I’ve never seen water so blue before…it took my breath away!  After our trip I started up a masters program to keep my mind occupied and decided that I was finally ready to jump back in the stirrups and transfer our last frozen embryo.

In June of this year I went in for my first check up, I started bcp, was given all the normal instructions for an FET and on July 24th we transferred our last frozen baby.  The wait was nerve wracking, especially with my history.  My first beta came back at 116 (and it was even taken 1 day early!) and I was ecstatic but scared out of my mind because of the last beta hell we experienced.  The second came back at 437!  The third at 919 and fourth at 2,283!  This all was still very exciting but still very scary.  Even going in to see the sac at 5w4d with the slightest sign of the flicker of a heart beat wasn’t enough for me.  The following week we saw and heard the actual heartbeat which was amazing but still scary.  My graduation day at 9w2d was one of the scariest appointments as this is the appointment where we lost our precious BOB.  But that day came and went and we were moved on to the real world (which, let me tell you, is not as favoring as the infertility office!).  I had my first big girl appointment at 10w3d and even heard the heart beat on a doppler, at 12w3d we had our NT ultrasound and sequential blood work which was amazing because I got to see that our little baby actually looks like a little baby now!  I got a phone call that I had to redo this whole appointment which scared me but it turns out it was because the lab drew the wrong vials therefore the wrong tests were done on my blood but I got a bonus ultrasound out of it yesterday which made up for it.

So here I am at 13w5d and only a couple days shy of my second trimester and I think I am finally able to realize that this is really happening! I actually have a bump!  I have so many pictures of this amazing child that has fought its way through the seemingly impossible and continues to amaze me every day.  Every day I chant in my head “me and baby are just fine, me and baby are going to make it” and that is the only thing that calms me down on the nights that worry me, which is basically every day.  This chant lets me sleep at night.

What a blessing this child has been, no sickness, no excessive exhaustion, nothing but big boobs and a big appetite which I will gladly take.

I’m proud to announce the very scary but very real pregnancy of myself and Joseph and introduce you to baby Cutri.  BabyC has 3 very special angels looking out for him/her and they have been doing such a great job protecting baby.  I love my angels and my little bub floating around in my womb!

BabyC waving hi to the world!

BabyC waving hi to the world!

Finally, I’d like to say thank you to all the kind words that have been left for me.  I have read every single one of them while I was away but was too scared to come on here to respond.  You are all so wonderful.  And I want to say welcome to my newest followers, thank you for taking interest in my story and please feel free to ask any questions you may have.  I’m amazed to see how much the traffic has increased on this blog even with my absence.  It makes me so happy to know that our story is helping others.  You are not alone in the world and anything is possible if you just have faith and stay calm!

Here I am at 13w1d - I finally have a bump!

Here I am at 13w1d – I finally have a bump!