On Friday, Joe and I had our review appointment which was really hard to go to. We had to hear that we failed from my doctor, which we already knew…it just finalized it.
When I walked into my doctor’s office I could tell how upset she was for me. She did say that there was absolutely nothing wrong on my end, I responded perfectly to the medication protocol, I had a great amount of eggs and a great amount of mature eggs. There was nothing wrong with the quality of the eggs, they were all in good condition and 9 out of 13 fertilized which is also really good as they look for 50-60% to fertilize. She stated, as if we already didn’t know, this is a MFI problem.
For our next attempt she suggested that we do 2 things, although we do not know if the 2nd is a possible option for us based on the counts, she will contact the embryologist and get back to us with an answer hopefully this week about it. She wants us to do, first and foremost, co-culture. Where instead of using a chemical compound designed to mimic a woman’s uterus to grow the embryos they’d actually be taking a biopsy of mine and freezing the sample to be used to help the embryos grow. This is no biggie, the procedure hurts like a bitch and I hate it more than anything but if this is going to help then by all means, torture the shit out of me…I don’t care as long as you make me a baby! The second thing she would love to see if we could do is instead of doing ICSI they would do something called PICSI – In ICSI they choose the best looking sperm to inject in the egg where PICSI is used in cases of dna fragmentation and make the sperm perform a trick and it must successfully complete this trick in order to be selected to fertilize the egg. What they do is put 2 drops of this chemical that is the same as the shell of an egg, the sperm will swim towards it since that is what they live to do and the ones that attach to this chemical are the winners…they are doing what they are intended to do and therefore they are the best suitable for fertilization. The only problem is my doctor was not aware if there was any restrictions like minimum count to be able to do this so she will get back to us as soon as we have an answer.
The cost of both of these? Well, to me it doesn’t matter because we will be paying the same amount since we get a 10% discount from the failed cycle. The PICSI is an additional $500 and the co-culture is approx $1,000.00. I have to go in next month to pay for and do the biopsy, this can be frozen for as long as we need to until we are ready for the next cycle once we get our finances in order. These are 2 steps that I want to take if they are proven to boost the chances, which they absolutely are.
Now…onto Christmas. I spent 2 days in my hometown visiting family for Christmas…it was a great 2 days but it was REALLY hard to hold it together. The day with my brother and his family was great because it served as a distraction, it was more laughs than anything so I didn’t even have time to dwell on anything…I just had trouble sleeping. I even took a benadryl which helped me fall asleep I just couldn’t stay asleep. I was officially in bed and asleep at approx 1am but I was up and alert at 3:50am…ugh. On Christmas Eve I spent the day at my mom’s house where almost all of my siblings came with their children. It was fun…the only problem was I was holding back tears all day and I was doing a great job at holding them back until I let my guard down for a couple seconds. My youngest sister’s daughter wanted to be picked up so I did, I held her as she sang along to the Christmas music in my ear and laid her head on my shoulder. It was the sweetest thing and I couldn’t help but think how much I wanted to be able to do that with my child. Cue meltdown. I passed her off to my sister in law as I walk away hiding the tears pouring down my face. I hope the only ones that actually saw were my mother and my husband. It’s just so hard pretending to be happy when I am so upset on the inside. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I just want this to work and I know one day it will, I just wish that day was today.
I know I am strong, I know I hide my emotions well, but sometimes I let my guard down…it’s ok to feel this way, I shouldn’t just forget about what happened and move on because what happened will be a part of me forever…it doesn’t mean I am not as strong as I can be, it means I am human…
Christmas Day we ended up not going anywhere because of how exhausted I was. I went shopping at CVS to get my mind off of everything and we picked up chinese food…that was it.
I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas.