2012 can suck it


This year has been, for the most part, a very shitty year.  The “good” part of the year was finally selling our house that had been on the market for over 2 years and had gone into short sale which lasted over 6 months and that was, to say the least, frustrating as hell.  Dealing with Wells Fargo had been the worst experience ever through out the whole thing.

We lost a strong woman suffering from pancreatic cancer for nearly 3 years and that was one of the saddest things I have ever seen.  I have never lost anyone so young leaving behind a husband and a child…it was tragic.

Joe switched jobs to benefit us with better insurance and a pension but then lost it the beginning of December for unjustified reasons.

We had our first attempt at IVF, which failed and had nothing make it to freeze.

We ended our reign as promoters of our racing series to focus on building a family which was really hard to do as we met a ton of friends through it and even met each other through it.

I know that nothing ever comes easy with us, but one of these days we need to catch a fucking break…have I passed all the tests yet? I sure as hell have been through enough, right?  I don’t know what else can be thrown at us at this point.

I am so ready to end this miserable year and start fresh in 2013.  I want a fresh start and I want an easy ride for once.

I hope everyone has a happy and healthy new year.  Be Safe.

Movie night was a tear jerker…


So Joe bought the new Batman movie the day it came out on Blue Ray and watched it while I was at work.  I admit, I have been dying to see that movie, although I am more of a Marvel girl than DC.

The movie was long but it was good…there were a few things I was able to guess along the way that apparently Joe didn’t guess while he first watched it (I guess I was more of a geek than he was growing up…)  The end of the movie just got me though…the last 2 minutes I started bawling my eyes out and I couldn’t control it.

If you didn’t see the movie, I am not going to ruin it for you, but if you did see it look back in my posts and you will realize why it got me the way it did.  I knew it was coming based on my assumptions but as soon as it did happen I just started sobbing uncontrollably.

Joe did tell me that I wasn’t ready to watch the movie but never said why but I insisted on watching it…It’s amazing how everything reminds you of your journey…big or small, obvious or not so obvious…every day is a constant reminder of our struggles.

On the plus side, I did get a little more sleep than I have been recently…I only woke up a couple times and I was up at 5 instead of 3, which is a major improvement.  Let’s see if I can keep this going…

IVF Review/Christmas with my family


On Friday, Joe and I had our review appointment which was really hard to go to.  We had to hear that we failed from my doctor, which we already knew…it just finalized it.

When I walked into my doctor’s office I could tell how upset she was for me.  She did say that there was absolutely nothing wrong on my end, I responded perfectly to the medication protocol, I had a great amount of eggs and a great amount of mature eggs.  There was nothing wrong with the quality of the eggs, they were all in good condition and 9 out of 13 fertilized which is also really good as they look for 50-60% to fertilize.  She stated, as if we already didn’t know, this is a MFI problem.

For our next attempt she suggested that we do 2 things, although we do not know if the 2nd is a possible option for us based on the counts, she will contact the embryologist and get back to us with an answer hopefully this week about it.  She wants us to do, first and foremost, co-culture.  Where instead of using a chemical compound designed to mimic a woman’s uterus to grow the embryos they’d actually be taking a biopsy of mine and freezing the sample to be used to help the embryos grow.  This is no biggie, the procedure hurts like a bitch and I hate it more than anything but if this is going to help then by all means, torture the shit out of me…I don’t care as long as you make me a baby!  The second thing she would love to see if we could do is instead of doing ICSI they would do something called PICSI – In ICSI they choose the best looking sperm to inject in the egg where PICSI is used in cases of dna fragmentation and make the sperm perform a trick and it must successfully complete this trick in order to be selected to fertilize the egg.  What they do is put 2 drops of this chemical that is the same as the shell of an egg, the sperm will swim towards it since that is what they live to do and the ones that attach to this chemical are the winners…they are doing what they are intended to do and therefore they are the best suitable for fertilization.  The only problem is my doctor was not aware if there was any restrictions like minimum count to be able to do this so she will get back to us as soon as we have an answer.

The cost of both of these? Well, to me it doesn’t matter because we will be paying the same amount since we get a 10% discount from the failed cycle.  The PICSI is an additional $500 and the co-culture is approx $1,000.00.  I have to go in next month to pay for and do the biopsy, this can be frozen for as long as we need to until we are ready for the next cycle once we get our finances in order.  These are 2 steps that I want to take if they are proven to boost the chances, which they absolutely are.

Now…onto Christmas.  I spent 2 days in my hometown visiting family for Christmas…it was a great 2 days but it was REALLY hard to hold it together.  The day with my brother and his family was great because it served as a distraction, it was more laughs than anything so I didn’t even have time to dwell on anything…I just had trouble sleeping.  I even took a benadryl which helped me fall asleep I just couldn’t stay asleep.  I was officially in bed and asleep at approx 1am but I was up and alert at 3:50am…ugh.  On Christmas Eve I spent the day at my mom’s house where almost all of my siblings came with their children.  It was fun…the only problem was I was holding back tears all day and I was doing a great job at holding them back until I let my guard down for a couple seconds.  My youngest sister’s daughter wanted to be picked up so I did, I held her as she sang along to the Christmas music in my ear and laid her  head on my shoulder.  It was the sweetest thing and I couldn’t help but think how much I wanted to be able to do that with my child.  Cue meltdown.  I passed her off to my sister in law as I walk away hiding the tears pouring down my face.  I hope the only ones that actually saw were my mother and my husband.  It’s just so hard pretending to be happy when I am so upset on the inside.  I am mentally and physically exhausted.  I just want this to work and I know one day it will, I just wish that day was today.

I know I am strong, I know I hide my emotions well, but sometimes I let my guard down…it’s ok to feel this way, I shouldn’t just forget about what happened and move on because what happened will be a part of me forever…it doesn’t mean I am not as strong as I can be, it means I am human…

Christmas Day we ended up not going anywhere because of how exhausted I was.  I went shopping at CVS to get my mind off of everything and we picked up chinese food…that was it.

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas…and a little rant


First off, I would like to wish all the infertiles a very merry Christmas and may you be blessed with the gift that you deserve.

Now…there is a reason why I don’t like telling people about our struggles…because they just don’t understand. For example, one girl noticed how upset I have been for the last two weeks…upon explaining the situation, because she is a good friend, her response was “you can always adopt” this is coming from a woman who has explicitly stated she doesn’t want children of her own…how the hell does that make me feel better??? I am not quitting now…this can still happen!! I have the ability to have my own children, we are suffering from MfI and the one gift I want to give my husband is a child of his own. I want him to be a father not only in raising a child but genetically! I have the desire to carry a child and deliver it, to feel it moving around in me, to love it before it is even born. I want all of that and then some. I love the children I don’t have yet knowing we can do this.

End rant.

Ugh. Ok, we’ll this is all written on a cell phone so it is probably jumbled and misspelled so I am going to get ready to explain this all again to 2 friends we didn’t see in over a month.

Merry Christmas and I’ll be posting again soon with all the new information received at our wtf appointment today.

May you all be blessed with sticky babies 🙂

SCSA results


So we finally got the results back. Let me precede by explaining how the results are measured.
For fragmentation they base it on percentages and the ranges are as follows:
Really good – up to 15% fragmentation
Good to fair – 15%-27%
Poor – 27% and higher
Anything over 30% is basically a 1% chance ivf will work based on studies

Joe’s results are 17.5% which is more on the good side.

This is fantastic news because he has a shot at this! He goes for 2 more frozen samples before he stops his medication so we can save up for round 2.

Tomorrow is the full review and I have a bunch of questions to ask on possibly improving our next cycle.

I am glad he did this because I just needed to know and he is very pleased with the results (we both are!) The doctor that called looked at our file and is amazed at how well we did given his condition having so many eggs actually fertilize. Sometimes this just doesn’t work the first time and I have to come to terms with that. Is it sad to say I actually miss getting injections? I hate needles with a passion but it was a surreal experience doing all of it…it’s the closest we have ever come to being pregnant and one day it will happen.

I hope for only good news tomorrow at the wtf appointment.

Christmas Vacation


I have 2 more hours before I am off for 5 days for Christmas.  This has been the longest day ever…this whole week just seemed to drag on.

We are still waiting for a call from the doctor with the SCSA results…I really wish they would call soon so I can stop worrying.  They’ve had the results since yesterday and with the multiple phone calls Joe put in you think they would have informed him that his doctor is on vacation until after Christmas…ugh…they were able to forward the information to one of the many doctors I saw at my doctor’s office so hopefully he will call today with the information we have been anxiously waiting for…

Well, the long awaited WTF appointment is tomorrow…finally…just the way I want to start my Christmas Vacation, reminiscing on failure.  As if I already didn’t dread this holiday enough right now.  Hopefully I will be in a better mood when I make candy for everyone.  Maybe I will save that for after the appointment tomorrow to distract me for a little while.