Update

They were able to locate the pregnancy.  It is in the uterus (good news).  I do not have to get the methotrexate injection as of right now (also good news).

Tomorrow I am tentatively scheduled for a D&C to remove the tissue.  At this point they will be able to send it out and see if there is any pregnancy tissue in there, if not then there may be unresolved issues.  If there is tissue then they will do some genetic testing again.

There is still a possibility of ectopic but we won’t know that until after the D&C and the blood tests to see if this solves the problem of the hcg rising.  If the hcg is still rising after the D&C then a methotrexate injection is inevitable but for right now we are trying our damnedst to avoid it.

One day at a time.  I am so glad they were able to finally locate it.

On top of that my right ovary is huge…that will also have to be watched to make sure it shrinks back down to normal size…

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Determined.

Today, I am determined.  I am determined to find ways to make the financial aspect of the next attempt less stressful.  I haven’t spent anything in the last few weeks and upon looking in my bank account it was a nice surprise…I’m able to put some of that unspent money aside waiting for bills.  I am looking on cutting monthly expenses and one way to do so is to downsize my vehicle…this would save up to $200/month…when looking at a potential $500/mo for the next 24 months IVF bill, that’s a nice chunk of money to put towards it.  I am happy that I have enough and then some put away for the normal medications I assume I will still be on and there is some extra in there in case my doctor decides to add anything additional.

Tomorrow is another round of blood work, I’m hoping my last but I have a feeling it’s not going to be…it feels like I have shrunk everywhere at this point and I have almost returned to normal (physically)…so maybe it will finally show a negative?  That would be nice, because at that point we can figure out the next steps…all this up in the air stuff is just for the birds.  I have to remember to ask if we are getting a review appointment once my bloodwork shows a negative.  I also have to remember to ask if the genetic testing results have come in yet…as of Thursday they did not…tomorrow will be almost 3 weeks.

I can’t believe tomorrow I would have been starting my second trimester. These milestones I had been looking forward to are now the saddest days. I miss my baby. I will find strength in solace and give my BOB the sibling(s) he deserves.

Hopefully I will have some good news come tomorrow…until then I can only keep telling myself to keep on pushing, keep on trying, stay strong for my baby.

Hot Hormonal Mess

I don’t recognize myself.  I’m a mess.  Some times I am ok, not good, but ok and there are times where I am a disaster.  Yesterday I was a disaster.  Sadness turns to extreme anger.  Is it because of my rapidly decreasing hormones?  It took me 10 weeks to get to the level they last noted and in less than 1 week it came down to where I was at 4 weeks.  That’s a lot to drop in 6 days.  I don’t like to think this is really me behaving this way…it has to be what my body is going through.

Sitting at home doesn’t help.  All I do is think about what is going on with my body.  It’s funny that my body does exactly what it is supposed to except become and STAY pregnant.  I always respond extremely well to the stim medicine, my hormone levels were always textbook perfect, egg retrievals and embryo transfers are always picture perfect, now my hormones are dropping exactly the way a normal person’s should.  We knew that this wasn’t my problem going in from the beginning but I wish my damn near perfect responses to everything would make up for the MFI.

I hope we have some answers next week.  It would make things a little easier to wrap my head around.  It also may prove beneficial to planning out the next go-round.  I also hope it brings some closure, that may help with my coping.

I just decided…I’m allowed to be a hot mess…I went through a lot and am still going through a lot.  I will allow myself to be like this at least until my hormone levels are done dropping.  This is normal.  It wouldn’t be normal NOT to feel like my world fell apart.  People grieve, I am grieving.  Once we have some answers I will start kicking my ass in gear for BOB, he deserves a little brother or sister…for now I will allow myself to feel this way because it only means I have lots of love for my angel baby.

I love you my baby.

Levels are dropping

I had to go for my first weekly blood test today so they can trace my HCG levels to a negative.  It dropped from over 77,000 last week to 1,392 today.  This is something I definitely did not want to do today and I had to do it alone because Joe is sick.  All I wanted today was a hand to hold and I had to do this all by myself and it was incredibly difficult to walk back in the office all alone and face the staff after saying my good-bye’s to them a couple weeks ago.

Although it’s nice to know that my levels are coming down as they should be it just futher solidifies that I am, in fact, no longer pregnant.  I just keep thinking that I am having a nightmare I can’t wake up from.

Right now we are taking steps towards the next round.  We were fortunate enough for the last 3 years to not have to take a loan out for any of the treatments or procedures but our good fortune has run out.  I have enough to cover the meds and we have decided to finance the next round.  We are looking for ways to cut corners around the house, I will probably be trading my car in for a lease at the end of the month to cut my car payments down drastically.

Once we are cleared after all my levels drop and the hysteroscopy is performed I do want to start right back up as soon as possible.  My doctor is 100% ok with that so I will do everything in my power to try to be as ready as I can be.

I need to get out of this depressing state I am in and just look at the positives.  The good that came out of this is that we know it can work, the proof I carried for 9 weeks.  We just need to figure out what went wrong and take precautionary steps from there.  There is still no news about the chromosomal or genetic tests that were performed but I didn’t expect anything this quick…

Other than that, I have nothing new to add.