Infertility is not a temporary condition

All week I have been sharing old posts from my blog back from my “infertile” days.  Each time I share them I think to myself “this is still my life”, less the IVF treatments and uncertainty that surrounds it.  Instead of uncertainty I am surrounded in certainty that unless I get back in the straddle saddle, I will remain the mother to 1 beautiful earth child and 3 amazing angels.  There’s nothing that will change that fact.  I can’t wish it away, I can’t pray it away, the only way to change it is to actively jump back in and fight harder than I have ever fought in my life.  Again.

Infertility is not a temporary condition.  It is forever there and will forever be there to remind me that life is always worth fighting for.  It will forever make me humble.  It will forever make me appreciate everything we are blessed with.  It will forever make me study my son and know every little thing that makes him happy or sets him off.

Infertility led me to some amazing friendships with people I have never met in person.  Sharing personal and raw stories, sharing joy and heartache, feeling the excitement with good news and crying with heart break after heart break.  The first step was opening up and so much support has followed, and flowed, since.

What’s been hitting me hard the last few months, and the reason why I needed to write a new infertility post after such a long time not focusing on it, is Joey’s curiosity.  He knows about his brothers, he knows they are angles that fly in the sky, he knows their names, he asks about them.  It makes me happy I get to share with him that he has angels who protect him but also sad that they never had the chance to play with him the way brothers should.

What’s been hitting me even harder is his questions about “who’s my sister”?  When I explain to him that he does not have a sister he gets upset and angry.  He keeps telling me he wants a sister to play with and it makes me so sad to think that I give him anything and everything he can dream of but I can’t give him that.  At least not without another several years of uncertainty, heartache, huge financial hits, and so much time and energy.  Do you know how badly I want to give my son a sibling?  That I’ve secretly cried thinking that it is something that, right now, is impossible for us but effortless for others?  That although I loved every moment of being pregnant, that time was overshadowed with mental and emotional abuse and I so badly want a do over surrounded by the people that actually care for me?  I want it more than anyone can imagine.  But it doesn’t come without lots of sacrifice and it doesn’t even guarantee anything will come out of it.

The PTSD and Anxiety that surrounds me from everything I have been through as a result of the losses and emotional torture I endured in that time frame is enough to scare anyone away from even attempting to have another go at it.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t want it.  It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it all over again, but in a happier place this time.  It doesn’t stop me from dreaming.

Today is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week and it is also my 34th birthday.  It’s fitting that today I’ll be making a special birthday wish that I did for so many years before.  The difference this year is that the previous years were filled with uncertainty on whether or not my wish would come true, this year I know for certain it won’t.  Butitdoesn’tkeepmefromwishing.  And that’s the light that needs to keep burning, the desire.

This year’s NIAW has hit me harder than I thought it would.  This is me speaking out.  I am 1 in 8.  If you are, too, don’t be afraid to open up.  It is better than letting it eat at you and destroying your beautiful soul.  You deserve to be heard and you deserve to have empathy.  Opening up is the first step in freeing yourself, emotionally.

Now is your chance to share your story with me, whether publicly or in private.  I am always ALWAYS here to listen because I have been there and I still am there.


2 year angelversary 

it is so hard to believe that today marks the 2 year angelversary of our first baby BOB.  We watched him grow, heard his heart beat, watched him move, and fell so deeply in love with him but he was never able to stay with us.  Today was a bittersweet day spending the day celebrating Father’s Day and it being baby Joey’s 3 month birthday all while feeling the sadness of our first angel.  He was definitely with us today, I could feel it.  I miss him oh so much but I will see him again one day ❤️

Today I am sad

I am sad because today is the 1 year angelversary of the twins.  One year ago today I was told to stop all medication and prepare for my miscarriage that didn’t happen on its own, it took several weeks and an emergency D&C to finally happen.  I am sad because as I feel the little kicks of my baby they are gentle reminders of my three angels who couldn’t be here with us.  I am also sad because, even though I know I have every right to be sad, I know that there are so many others who need to be sad too and maybe my sadness should be not so prevalent.

I learned today that the wife of a friend of ours passed away suddenly last night.  I don’t know the details, I don’t know if she was sick, frankly the details mean nothing right now because the only thing that matters is her loved ones.  I can’t even imagine what her husband and young son are going through and it brings me to tears.  She was a lovely woman, daughter, wife, and mother.

Rest in peace, Julia, you were a wonderful mother and I am deeply saddened for your family as they mourn your passing.

October 15th Wave of Light

Yesterday was such a busy day…between school work and work work I’ve been going non stop, but I made sure I had my candle lit!!  I’ve been reminding everyone on facebook about this date and how important it is to participate in it.  I’m not silent in our struggles, our losses, and our pain.  Ever since our first loss I have made it known that it hurts…BAD…and the things we had to go through to get where we are today is not fun, not cheap, and does not go by unappreciated.  I’ve seen my fertility doctors more than my family in the last few years and I finally had to part ways with them because I finally graduated…but the graduation came with a heavy heart and a ton of anxiety.

Every day I wished for a symptom to know everything is ok.  Every day I worry something may go wrong.  Every day I’m careful about what I do and what I eat and where I go in fear that something may affect this pregnancy.  These anxieties stem from the losses of my children.  I am scared shitless and I will be until the day this child is born.

You never get over a loss.  People who haven’t been in this position find it hard to understand and avoid the conversation.  Yesterday was a day to show our love for our angels and it also shows support for the women who may not be as open about their pain…to let them know they are not alone in the world…to let them know that it is ok to hurt and it is ok to be not ok.

So while I was engulfed in a project for my graduate program I made sure that at 7 o’clock on the dot I had a candle lit for my angels, everyone else’s angels, and for those who need to see that they are not alone in the world.  Maybe it will help them be more open about it?  Maybe it will make them feel better that they hurt and don’t understand why they still hurt?  A friend who lost her son described these candles as giving the angels a great big hug…I think she is right.  Here’s my candle, lit and burning brightly while I worked on my assignment.  I’m never too busy to honor the angels, they are our protectors, and our  babies.

October 15th - Wave of light

October 15th – Wave of light

Holy Blood Work!

Since I finally got a negative result on my quantitative hcg test last week I was given the all clear to get my clotting panel done at my discretion.  Being the proactive person I am I wanted to get it done before the holidays so I don’t have to worry about any more testing and try to enjoy the holidays.

Let me just remind you for a second about how much I hate needles and blood.  A LOT.

So I walk into the lab, sign my little name in, sit next to Joe, and in a few minutes I am called back.  The phlebotomist checks my paper work and goes “Oh God, that’s a lot!” … “yes, I know, I hate needles and blood so I am already anxious about this…let’s just get this over with”  I was back there for 45 minutes in total.  A half hour of it was printing labels and figuring out what is frozen, what is room temperature, getting all the colored tubes coordinated.  Then the fun began.

The woman must have been nervous taking that much from me because I felt her anxiety.  The needle wasn’t too bad but I think she used a larger gauge than I am used to because it hurt for the entire 28 vials.  25 in I hear her going “shoot shoot shoot” and I’m thinking it slipped out…I don’t know what was shoot…then I felt it, she saw all the color drain out of my body.  My face turned tingly, my lips especially, I felt nauseated and my whole body felt heavy.  She kept on saying “stay with me Erin! Last one!” and she got it all in but then I was done.  She draped me over the table, threw a cotton ball and tape on my arm (which didn’t really hold because there was no pressure applied) and I was in and out.  I saw blood dripping down my arm, all over the floor, on my pants.  A cold towel was thrown on my neck and another nurse scrambled to get me cold water.

At this point my husband was getting worried because of how long I was back there and saw a little of the scramble.  He said “Is my wife ok?? Can I see her?” and a nurse brings him back and asks “Does this belong to you?” yes.  Yes he did.  He was pretty worried.  In the scramble my phlebotomist kept trying to make sure I was awake and asking me how old I was, what year it was, my birthday, etc.  It took a few minutes but the color came back to my face and I felt better…weak, but better.  My arm still hurts from all of this and I have a lovely bruise from it all…it will make a wonderful accessory to my Christmas outfit.

I’m glad it’s over, though.  I wanted to get it done and it is.  I’ll get the results hopefully before the New Year, but it can take up to 10 days.  So with that, my holidays can officially start…one day of work to get through and then I can travel tomorrow to see my family.

I hope everyone has a VERY Merry Christmas.

I’m still here!

I am so very sorry it took me this long to write a post…I have been so crazy I can’t even think straight.

On December 4th I had an “emergency” D&C – they located the sac and wanted to get it out as the numbers kept on rising but there was nothing to save.  They wanted to make sure that the cells did not turn cancerous and also needed to rule out ectopic as two had implanted but I think I lost one a few weeks prior.  If my HCG went down after this then we have nothing to worry about.

December 10th I had my first blood work after the surgery to check to make sure the numbers were going down, and they fell drastically from 859 to 13.5.  Good news.  December 17th I had another round of blood work and the results are finally negative.

On Saturday I will be going to get my clotting panel done, I wanted everything out of the way before Christmas so I can try to enjoy the holidays with my family.  I’ll probably get those results closer to the new year but at least it will be done.

They’ve been keeping me quite the busy bee at work so I do apologize for my sabbatical.  Hopefully my time will be cleared up shortly and I can be a much better blogger.

If I don’t post until then I would really like to wish all of my blog friends a very Merry Christmas.

Also, I just wanted to wish my husband a very happy birthday! Love you!!!


I am sorry I have been silent.  With the holiday and all the doctor’s visits my life has just become too much to handle.

My levels continue to rise.  On Saturday it was 517 and they scheduled another ultrasound and more bloodwork for Tuesday.  They are hoping with the rate of how they are rising that they could at least locate where it is which would decide what kind of intervention is needed at this point to help.

Mentally I am a disaster.  I just want this to be over so I can get on with my life and try to grieve.  As much as I wanted these babies it is hard to hear myself say that.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.


UPDATE:  Received another call from my doctor…she personally called me from her cell phone.  Apparently my tubes and life are at risk at this point and if they can’t find anything tomorrow I have to get a second opinion the following day…at the earliest tomorrow we should have some answers on what to do or where it is located but it may not be until Wednesday.