Today I am sad

I am sad because today is the 1 year angelversary of the twins.  One year ago today I was told to stop all medication and prepare for my miscarriage that didn’t happen on its own, it took several weeks and an emergency D&C to finally happen.  I am sad because as I feel the little kicks of my baby they are gentle reminders of my three angels who couldn’t be here with us.  I am also sad because, even though I know I have every right to be sad, I know that there are so many others who need to be sad too and maybe my sadness should be not so prevalent.

I learned today that the wife of a friend of ours passed away suddenly last night.  I don’t know the details, I don’t know if she was sick, frankly the details mean nothing right now because the only thing that matters is her loved ones.  I can’t even imagine what her husband and young son are going through and it brings me to tears.  She was a lovely woman, daughter, wife, and mother.

Rest in peace, Julia, you were a wonderful mother and I am deeply saddened for your family as they mourn your passing.

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October 15th Wave of Light

Yesterday was such a busy day…between school work and work work I’ve been going non stop, but I made sure I had my candle lit!!  I’ve been reminding everyone on facebook about this date and how important it is to participate in it.  I’m not silent in our struggles, our losses, and our pain.  Ever since our first loss I have made it known that it hurts…BAD…and the things we had to go through to get where we are today is not fun, not cheap, and does not go by unappreciated.  I’ve seen my fertility doctors more than my family in the last few years and I finally had to part ways with them because I finally graduated…but the graduation came with a heavy heart and a ton of anxiety.

Every day I wished for a symptom to know everything is ok.  Every day I worry something may go wrong.  Every day I’m careful about what I do and what I eat and where I go in fear that something may affect this pregnancy.  These anxieties stem from the losses of my children.  I am scared shitless and I will be until the day this child is born.

You never get over a loss.  People who haven’t been in this position find it hard to understand and avoid the conversation.  Yesterday was a day to show our love for our angels and it also shows support for the women who may not be as open about their pain…to let them know they are not alone in the world…to let them know that it is ok to hurt and it is ok to be not ok.

So while I was engulfed in a project for my graduate program I made sure that at 7 o’clock on the dot I had a candle lit for my angels, everyone else’s angels, and for those who need to see that they are not alone in the world.  Maybe it will help them be more open about it?  Maybe it will make them feel better that they hurt and don’t understand why they still hurt?  A friend who lost her son described these candles as giving the angels a great big hug…I think she is right.  Here’s my candle, lit and burning brightly while I worked on my assignment.  I’m never too busy to honor the angels, they are our protectors, and our  babies.

October 15th - Wave of light

October 15th – Wave of light

I’m still here!

I am so very sorry it took me this long to write a post…I have been so crazy I can’t even think straight.

On December 4th I had an “emergency” D&C – they located the sac and wanted to get it out as the numbers kept on rising but there was nothing to save.  They wanted to make sure that the cells did not turn cancerous and also needed to rule out ectopic as two had implanted but I think I lost one a few weeks prior.  If my HCG went down after this then we have nothing to worry about.

December 10th I had my first blood work after the surgery to check to make sure the numbers were going down, and they fell drastically from 859 to 13.5.  Good news.  December 17th I had another round of blood work and the results are finally negative.

On Saturday I will be going to get my clotting panel done, I wanted everything out of the way before Christmas so I can try to enjoy the holidays with my family.  I’ll probably get those results closer to the new year but at least it will be done.

They’ve been keeping me quite the busy bee at work so I do apologize for my sabbatical.  Hopefully my time will be cleared up shortly and I can be a much better blogger.

If I don’t post until then I would really like to wish all of my blog friends a very Merry Christmas.

Also, I just wanted to wish my husband a very happy birthday! Love you!!!

Update

They were able to locate the pregnancy.  It is in the uterus (good news).  I do not have to get the methotrexate injection as of right now (also good news).

Tomorrow I am tentatively scheduled for a D&C to remove the tissue.  At this point they will be able to send it out and see if there is any pregnancy tissue in there, if not then there may be unresolved issues.  If there is tissue then they will do some genetic testing again.

There is still a possibility of ectopic but we won’t know that until after the D&C and the blood tests to see if this solves the problem of the hcg rising.  If the hcg is still rising after the D&C then a methotrexate injection is inevitable but for right now we are trying our damnedst to avoid it.

One day at a time.  I am so glad they were able to finally locate it.

On top of that my right ovary is huge…that will also have to be watched to make sure it shrinks back down to normal size…

Obsession.

Infertility leads to Anger.  Anger leads to Hate.  Hate leads to Obsession.  Obsession leads to the Dark Side.
Yoda; Star Wars Episode 43, Revenge of the Hormones

Obsession.  This is what it has become.  This is what I am dealing with.  After my loss with BOB undergoing treatments became an obsession.  I was no longer excited to start another round because “this could be it”, I HAD to start another round.  I gave myself no time to heal.  As soon as I was able to, as soon as my levels were down to zero I started back up.  I didn’t give myself time to breathe.  As soon as the third attempt failed I went in the next day to start the FET round.  I was obsessed with getting this to work.  This is now my life.

Obsession isn’t healthy.  I need to be healthy.

What’s next for us?  This is the biggest question I have been avoiding, but not anymore.  What I have decided is I need time to heal.  My body needs time to heal.  In the course of one year I went through three fresh and 1 frozen cycle.  I have had 140 needles, 41 office visits, have been under anesthesia 5 times, and had 2 Miscarriages.  That is a lot to go through.  We still have one more embryo in the freezer that I am not giving up on.  I want to give this embryo a chance.  After I have given myself time to heal, physically and emotionally, after I have found a way to not make this an obsession, after I have taken care of myself and get back to the positive person I used to be, after I feel I am ready I will give this last embryo a chance to be my rainbow baby.  This isn’t going to be easy because all I want to do right now is jump in those stirrups and do it right now but I know I wouldn’t be providing the best home for this child with the anxiety and stress I feel.

I’m going to try to enjoy the holidays and take some time off from the infertility office.  I don’t know if this is going to take 3 moths, 6 months, or even a year, I just know that I need to do this for myself and for my future babies.

Loving and missing my angels so much.  I’ll see you in my dreams, babies.

Torture. Pure Torture.

In the last four years I have seen countless pregnancies, some to great mommies and daddies who planned and tried for these babies, some without trying, some to only one mommy or daddy who love their babies very much, and some to two mommies or two daddies.  I have also seen some babies born to not so good mommies or daddies.  In all of these cases I have been jealous, envious of what they have and enjoy and love, and envious of what they have but don’t realize what a blessing they have been given.  I am envious of the good and envious of the bad.

For several years I have been struggling to come to terms with our infertility and the jealousy accompanied by it. When will it be my turn? When can I stop paying countless medical bills to get what comes so easy to others?  When will I have a day I don’t have to remember to wake up early for an injection, a pill, a doctor’s appointment, or another surgery?  When will my reminder alarms show anything else besides medications or appointments?  When will I be called mommy by my own child?

In June 2013 I lost my child, my first baby, my BOB.  They joy I felt when Joe told me that my blood test came back positive was so overwhelming.  Then I saw my baby for the first time and I instantly fell in love.  I heard his heart beat the following week and two weeks later I saw him move.  I never thought anything would happen to this child, but at my 9 1/2 week appointment I was given devastating news…my baby no longer had a heart beat.  I don’t think I have ever felt my heart break quite so much.  I couldn’t breathe.  A few days later I needed surgery and I couldn’t keep myself together…they had to sedate me to keep me calm.  I didn’t know how much more of this I can take.  We had already paid over $60,000 in medical bills at this point for infertility.  I didn’t know if I could ever put myself through this again.

Somehow the desire to be a mother overcomes all.  I found the strength to put myself through all the procedures again, we got a personal loan to help pay for a third fresh cycle as our funds were already dry at this point.  Another IVF attempt and another failure…but we were able to go further than we ever did before.  We had 3 embryos who were so strong they were able to be saved and frozen for another try.  On Halloween I went in for my FET where I met my frozen babies again and it worked.  I was Pregnant.  Full of love.  Joyful.  Scared. So scared, in fact, that I warned quite a few people keeping tabs on me that I didn’t want to be questioned on how I was feeling, what’s next, etc because of what happened with BOB.  I wanted to take things one day at a time.  Yesterday, my fears and anxieties came to life.  We learned I am losing my babies again.  I am devastated.  I don’t know how life can be this cruel to us.  I want to try again but I am scared.  Our funds have dried up [now 75k deep in this], I have put my body and emotions through hell and back.  I am so sick, in quite a bit of pain, and have to wait to naturally pass my babies.  I have to keep going in for blood work to follow my numbers down to zero and be constantly reminded of yet another failure and loss.  This is pure torture.

I am scared to death of losing another child but I need to keep focusing on the end game.  I need to keep focusing on knowing at the end of this battle, however long it may take, that I will no longer have to take another estrogen pill, receive multiple injections, have my x00th blood draw, go to another appointment at the infertility office, or have another surgery.  I’ll no longer be waking in the middle of the night crying over heartache or loss, I will have a little one crying for me and all the love I have to give.  I have put my all into this and then some and I hope that, one day, I can be the mother that every child deserves.

 

I love you, my angels.  You will forever be in my heart.  ❤ Bob, Freddie, & Jason