Infertility is not a temporary condition

All week I have been sharing old posts from my blog back from my “infertile” days.  Each time I share them I think to myself “this is still my life”, less the IVF treatments and uncertainty that surrounds it.  Instead of uncertainty I am surrounded in certainty that unless I get back in the straddle saddle, I will remain the mother to 1 beautiful earth child and 3 amazing angels.  There’s nothing that will change that fact.  I can’t wish it away, I can’t pray it away, the only way to change it is to actively jump back in and fight harder than I have ever fought in my life.  Again.

Infertility is not a temporary condition.  It is forever there and will forever be there to remind me that life is always worth fighting for.  It will forever make me humble.  It will forever make me appreciate everything we are blessed with.  It will forever make me study my son and know every little thing that makes him happy or sets him off.

Infertility led me to some amazing friendships with people I have never met in person.  Sharing personal and raw stories, sharing joy and heartache, feeling the excitement with good news and crying with heart break after heart break.  The first step was opening up and so much support has followed, and flowed, since.

What’s been hitting me hard the last few months, and the reason why I needed to write a new infertility post after such a long time not focusing on it, is Joey’s curiosity.  He knows about his brothers, he knows they are angles that fly in the sky, he knows their names, he asks about them.  It makes me happy I get to share with him that he has angels who protect him but also sad that they never had the chance to play with him the way brothers should.

What’s been hitting me even harder is his questions about “who’s my sister”?  When I explain to him that he does not have a sister he gets upset and angry.  He keeps telling me he wants a sister to play with and it makes me so sad to think that I give him anything and everything he can dream of but I can’t give him that.  At least not without another several years of uncertainty, heartache, huge financial hits, and so much time and energy.  Do you know how badly I want to give my son a sibling?  That I’ve secretly cried thinking that it is something that, right now, is impossible for us but effortless for others?  That although I loved every moment of being pregnant, that time was overshadowed with mental and emotional abuse and I so badly want a do over surrounded by the people that actually care for me?  I want it more than anyone can imagine.  But it doesn’t come without lots of sacrifice and it doesn’t even guarantee anything will come out of it.

The PTSD and Anxiety that surrounds me from everything I have been through as a result of the losses and emotional torture I endured in that time frame is enough to scare anyone away from even attempting to have another go at it.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t want it.  It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it all over again, but in a happier place this time.  It doesn’t stop me from dreaming.

Today is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week and it is also my 34th birthday.  It’s fitting that today I’ll be making a special birthday wish that I did for so many years before.  The difference this year is that the previous years were filled with uncertainty on whether or not my wish would come true, this year I know for certain it won’t.  Butitdoesn’tkeepmefromwishing.  And that’s the light that needs to keep burning, the desire.

This year’s NIAW has hit me harder than I thought it would.  This is me speaking out.  I am 1 in 8.  If you are, too, don’t be afraid to open up.  It is better than letting it eat at you and destroying your beautiful soul.  You deserve to be heard and you deserve to have empathy.  Opening up is the first step in freeing yourself, emotionally.

Now is your chance to share your story with me, whether publicly or in private.  I am always ALWAYS here to listen because I have been there and I still am there.

2 year angelversary 

it is so hard to believe that today marks the 2 year angelversary of our first baby BOB.  We watched him grow, heard his heart beat, watched him move, and fell so deeply in love with him but he was never able to stay with us.  Today was a bittersweet day spending the day celebrating Father’s Day and it being baby Joey’s 3 month birthday all while feeling the sadness of our first angel.  He was definitely with us today, I could feel it.  I miss him oh so much but I will see him again one day ❤️

Mother’s Day reflection – here’s to the infertiles and angel mommies

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for the happy Mother’s Day texts, calls, cards, and messages.  It truly is a blessing to be the mom to this little miracle.

One thing I did notice is there were a lot of people wishing me a happy “first” Mother’s Day and while I do really appreciate just the thought I just wanted to let you know that this is not my first Mother’s Day.  I’ve been a mother for quite some time now.  I’ve been a mother since I had the desire to have a child of my own.  If you ask my grandfather, he will tell you I had the word “Mom” written on my forehead for the last 6 years as he knew that is what I was destined to be.  I’m also a mother to three wonderful angels who I think about and feel every single day.  Even though these babies found their home in heaven, I am still their mother…they just were too perfect to be placed here on earth but rather they will play with all the other angel children up in heaven and will be waiting at the gates for me to finally hold them when it is my time.

My little Joey is a true gift and I can’t wait for him to call me mama.  I will protect him from as much evil in this world as I can.  I will teach him the true meaning of family.  I will show him what love is and how you express it.  I have the arms to hold him and hug him, the chest for him to calm in, the lips to give him tons of kisses, and the neck for him to snuggle his head up to but I also have a heart that houses his angel brothers and the dreams they always find their way in to and that is why this is NOT my first Mother’s Day.

Mother’s day is not about physically birthing a child, it’s the emotion, the physical bond, the love, and the fight.  There are many mothers in this world that, although they did physically birth a child, do not deserve to be called a mother while there are so many women who would give anything to be able to do what they did while the bad “mothers” take it for granted and abuse/neglect/take advantage of their child[ren].  These women who yearn to be in their shoes are the real mothers because of their desire.  They dream of what their future child may look like, how they would raise them, and what kind of a man/woman they would turn out to be.  They swear by their last breath that they would give anything, including their own life, to just be called “mommy” by their very own child.  I know this because I was there for five years.  Jealous.  Angry.  Depressed.   All while still dreaming of my future and staying strong because I knew I couldn’t give up on my dream no matter how many times I was knocked down, no matter how many failed IVF cycles and no matter how many times I heard the words “I’m so sorry, there’s no heart beat anymore.”  It takes a strong person to be able to keep on pushing to fight for their dream and while some may eventually achieve it, there are still so many who are left empty handed and broken.  These women deserve to be recognized for their strength especially on a day that many suffer through but put on a strong face so as not to raise attention to themselves because they have never been able to let anyone in on the pain they go through on a daily basis.

I would like to wish all the angel mommies and those trying so desperately to have a child to hold a happy Mother’s Day as well…you have a love that will never be replicated and that makes you a mom as well.  I know today is a sad day for you but you also deserve to celebrate because you ARE an amazing mom.  A strong mom.  A mom that has so much love for something that can’t be seen with the eye…yet.  You are a mom that can put on a strong face for others and help comfort others because you have had one hell of a hard ride and you know real pain.  Raw emotional pain.  Pain that, to me, was far worse than childbirth.  Infertility and child loss are shoes I wish no one to ever have to wear but you wear them…and so do I.  So happy Mother’s Day to you as well.  Celebrate your strength and your love because you deserve to be recognized, too, as a mother in her own right.  A mother of what was, what has yet to be, and unfortunately of what may never be…but still with the same desire, the same love, and the same strength that others should be envious of.

I also wanted to share a special poem with the angel mommies as I read it religiously even when it is not Mother’s Day…sometimes I just need to read it to get through a particularly difficult day.

What Makes a Mother
By Jennifer Wasik 
Written with love for all the Mother’s missing their babies  
I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today
I asked, “what makes a Mother”?
And I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a Mother
when your baby’s not with you?”Yes you can!”, He replied
with confidence in His voice,
“I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
but there’s no need to stay.”I just don’t understand this God,
I want my baby here.”

He took a breath,
and cleared His throat,
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing here.

If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow’s where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.”

So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see
what makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with me one day
and know you’re the best one.

51_Baby Cutri

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth" ~author unknown ~ I love you very much, my angels

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth. Then whispered as she closed the book “too beautiful for earth” ~author unknown ~ I love you very much, my angels