July 24, 2014 & March 21, 2015 – two dates that changed my life forever


I don’t talk about this much ever since it was such a life changing experience, but looking death in the face has changed me.  Many people do not know that right after the birth of baby Joey I had an internal hemorrhage so bad I almost bled out.  They rushed me away and left Joe and my mother in a room covered in my blood that was described to me as looking like a murder scene with a nurse stating they would do their best to save me.

I felt my life pouring out of me.  I kept falling in and out of consciousness.  I was so cold.  At one point I closed my eyes as they were working on me and putting a line in for a transfusion.  I had a vision of my angels.  They were so cute.  My BOB was the exact image of Joey as he looks right now and I keep thinking of how he is just how I dreamed.   My perfect little angel.

Our angels were looking out for us that night.  They told me to go home and meet my baby.  They watched after Joey in the NiCU.

I remember waking up cold and confused thinking I can’t NOT fight for something I’ve worked so hard to get.  I pushed myself to respond to the staff of doctors as they were prepping me for emergency surgery.  I remember praying to God that he allow me to stay with my new little family.  All of a sudden, I felt at peace.  My doctor waited and said the bleeding had stopped and to hold off on the surgery until she could assess the situation.  A few minutes later she was certain they had the bleeding under control and she said how close I was to, at the very minimum, losing my uterus.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of being reintroduced to our last frozen embryo so I felt the need to share why I will fight as hard as I possibly can for my child.  It is not only because he has been the one thing we wanted through 5 years on fertility treatments but also the one thing that made me fight for my own life.  I promise to give this little man the best I can give him, forever and always.

xoxo

Baby Joey Embryo


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

6 days before

3/21/2015 - 7:22pm, our son is born

3/21/2015 – 7:22pm, our son is born

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Week 20 – half way!


Whooooaaaa we’re half way there!!!  What a week…we are at the half way point – seems like it took forever but was so quick at the same time.

This week we said goodbye to a wonderful woman at her service.  It was so sad to see her husband and little boy – they are devastated and now have to learn how to live life without her.  We celebrated the 40th birthday of Joe’s cousin – it was such a good time seeing everyone and chatting about baby.

I feel spectacular, putting on shoes is getting a little more difficult.  Baby kicked me so hard on Saturday night that my belly actually moved, it was HILARIOUS.  And now we have Thanksgiving to look forward to!  I can’t wait to see everyone 🙂

How far along?    20w3d

Total weight gain/loss? 10 lbs – I won’t know any different until my next appointment on Dec 13th

Gender?   We are in the single digits until finding out!

Maternity clothes?  Today is allllll maternity.  My belly really got bigger this week!

Stretch marks?   nope!

Sleep?   I get awesome sleep.

Best moment this week?  Anytime the baby moves and seeing some of Joe’s family at the birthday party.

Miss anything?   Nope

Movement?  It’s getting stronger!!

Food cravings?  nope

Anything making you queasy or sick?  nope

Symptoms?   Kicking and growing belly 🙂

Labor Signs?  Nope

Belly Button in or out?  In

Wedding rings on or off?  On

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Happy!

Looking forward to?  Thanksgiving!!! I made one side dish yesterday and have two more items to make tomorrow and then on Wednesday we are traveling to see my family.  I can’t wait!  They’ve been dying to see my growing bump in person 🙂  AND most importantly FINALLY finding out Baby C’s gender!!!

20w1d

20w1d

Week 19!


This was a semi-productive week.  Joe got some insulation done in the attic above the baby’s room, it should be finished up hopefully today.  There’s a coat of ceiling paint on in the room, the other coat should be done today as well!  I bought a heavy duty storage shelf system for the basement so that we can arrange some things to make room for baby!  I’m getting very anxious for the anatomy scan which means on my Dec 1st update I’ll reveal the gender of baby C!  How exciting!

On Saturday we went to an Amish Smorgasbord – it was delicious.  We saw a bunch of friends we haven’t seen in months including a girl who is exactly 10 weeks ahead of me!  Every time we leave the restaurant with a group we have to get our picture taken – this was by far the tamest picture we ever did, which was surprising.  Usually there are some bad things happening to fake cows, or a “keg stand” on a barrel or something…I think the presence of pregnant ladies calmed them down a bit lol.

We also had a check up on Friday where we heard baby’s heartbeat on the doppler which was a strong 156 (although there was some chasing of baby around because I made the mistake of drinking OJ in the morning which meant a very active baby) and I finally got my total weight gain for the last 19 weeks!

How far along?    19w3d

Total weight gain/loss? 10 whole pounds!  I’m measuring right on track 🙂

Gender?   It’s getting CLOSER!  Not next week but the week after is when we will all know 🙂

Maternity clothes?  Although I am not wearing any today I did make use of the belly band as I cannot button (or zip!) my pants at all.  The belly is getting big 🙂

Stretch marks?   nope!

Sleep?   I get awesome sleep.

Best moment this week?  Baby’s movements are getting stronger and it is amazing every time I feel it.  I was so happy to see our friends and I got a “you look great pregnant, it suits you” which made me feel awesome!

Miss anything?   Nope

Movement?  It’s getting stronger!!

Food cravings?  nope

Anything making you queasy or sick?  nope

Symptoms?   Just an expanding waist line 😉

Labor Signs?  Nope

Belly Button in or out?  In

Wedding rings on or off?  On

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Happy!

Looking forward to?  More work on the room and we are going to a family birthday party this weekend – wait until they see how much I’ve grown in the last couple weeks!

And here’s the bump!

19w1d

19w1d

And here’s our group shot after dinner 🙂

shady maple

Week 17


I hope everyone had a great Halloween! We were able to attend Joe’s cousin’s Halloween party, which we only stayed for a few hours since I was soooo exhausted and then saw more of Joe’s family at a dinner his Aunt had on Sunday.  It was nice seeing everyone for the first time since my announcement.  The unsolicited belly rubs were plentiful this weekend…Joe makes sure he rubs their belly back…it’s pretty funny.  Anyways, I have a busy week ahead of me so I am going to keep this short and sweet.

How far along?    17w3d

Total weight gain/loss? 3lbs – I won’t know any differently until my next check up on the 14th.  I think I gained another 2-5lbs since my last visit but who knows…

Gender?   It’s getting closer!  Few more weeks…

Maternity clothes?  getting more and more use…still can fit into some looser items I had but the majority of it is maternity now…especially the pants since wearing normal jeans was getting way too uncomfortable.

Stretch marks?   nope!  I made Joe massage cocoa butter all over my belly last night, I was too tired to get up and do it myself after the big Italian dinner we had…

Sleep?   I’ve been getting a good amount of sleep.  I can’t nap for some reason, even if I give it a good try, I just have too much on my mind in the form of “to do” lists – I can let that go at night because I am just completely exhausted.  I have been waking up more at night due to a shrinking bladder and I think I woke up the other night because baby was uncomfortable and kicked me square in the vajay…

Best moment this week?  when baby responded to me saying “are you hungry?” by going nuts…I think I got the hint.  We also broke out the snoogle, that was (and is) hilarious…it is HUGE.

Miss anything?   Nope – loving every moment of this

Movement?  Some days more than others but it is becoming an every day thing now and sometimes there’s a shit ton of wiggles and sometimes there’s just a jab or two to say “hi, I’m here!”

Food cravings?  nothing noticeable

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Nope, not at all

Symptoms?   Still no, if my stomach was not getting bigger by the day I would have no idea.

Labor Signs?  Nope

Belly Button in or out?  In

Wedding rings on or off?  On

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Happy!

Looking forward to?  FINALLY getting my hair done this weekend and attending an engagement party of some close friends.

And here’s my Halloween picture – 17 weeks 🙂

17w1d

I finally updated my photos tab with my weekly pics so they are all in one place.  “Go me!” lol

What did I do differently?


I’ve wanted to write this post for a few weeks now…what did I do differently in this successful round that I didn’t do in other rounds?

You know, this time I really didn’t fret about things like eating pineapples or 3 full days of bed rest after the transfer or anything like that.  In fact, I think I still have a full can of pineapple juice sitting in my closet that I meant to drink but didn’t want it to become an obsession.  This time I just kind of went with the flow and didn’t let anything bother me or get me going.

I did go to an acupuncturist who recommended keeping my body warm by eating “warm foods” and not wearing anything that felt snug especially on the day of the transfer.  I saw my acupuncturist weekly from when I started the bcps until the day of the transfer when I saw her right before and immediately afterwards.  This really kept my stress levels low.  I went for walks to get the blood flow going and to aid with stress levels as well.  I’ve never had a lining problem but all of this really helped me have an overachieving lining…it was SOOO cushy and thick.  The doctor and nurses were impressed!

I didn’t save everything like I did with every other round, it forced me not to obsess over every little detail.  I didn’t tell a soul we were going back to do this last round so that I didn’t have that unnecessary nervousness of thinking “how do I tell them if this fails?” rather, I envisioned how we were going to surprise them with good news, something we’ve never done before – this forced negative feelings into feelings of hopefulness and positivity.

The time off really did help, too.  It was a full six months from when my beta levels finally reached zero a few weeks after my emergency d&c to when I jumped back in the stirrups.  In the time off we went on a vacation and it really helped take my mind off of the crazy world of IVF and infertility.  I kept my mind occupied even during the FET by going back to school.  This forced me not to focus on every twinge my body made, I had something else to focus my attention on which was much less stress than I would have encountered if I had nothing else to think about but what was going on with our frozen baby.

Also, everything you can think of that would cause stress happened to me before and during this entire pregnancy but rather than freaking out and panicking I really tried my best to not let it bother me and to try to find a solution to the problem that would have the least stressful impact.  Sure, I’ve had a few bouts of the crazies but they were quickly diminished with solid solutions.  I think I can thank Joe for this, he’s been a real helper in trying to keep drama and stress away from me; however, this forces him to take the brunt of it.  The poor guy is even cooking now since I’ve been so busy with school and work – sometimes he’s moderately successful, sometimes we just call it a fail and scratch that recipe from the books, but at least he tries and for that I am thankful.

I wouldn’t say that I was disconnected from this successful round, rather I was more connected than ever by forcing myself not to obsess or become stressed out by taking certain actions prior to the FET even starting.  I worked on my stress levels through acupuncture, I focused my always racing mind elsewhere, I removed the negative thoughts before they even happened, and I focused on positive thoughts.  Every day I focused on my angels and asked them to protect the embryo growing inside me and almost everyday I would get a sign that they were visiting me…it was always rainbows.  This brought a lot of joy into my day.

So there you have it, that’s what I did differently.  There’s no secret weapons of pineapple cores or royal jelly and fuzzy socks and lots of bed rest, rather my attitude and keeping my mind focused elsewhere were the real changes I made and I am happy I made them as they’ve definitely carried forward as I progress into my 16th week.  I still am in shock that I’ve made it this far and that baby c is always impressing me by the way s/he is always outperforming.  I’m already starting to feel movement and it is the best feeling that I never thought I would ever feel.  I feel like I’m dreaming and I don’t ever want to wake up.

None of this made me less scared, though, that’s one thing I couldn’t shake was the constant feeling of being scared (which is still present today) but that comes with the territory of multiple losses.  Rather than dwell on the sadness I celebrated the short time I had with my babies always.  I am sad but I accept the fact that they are my angels and love them so much for protecting me.  I am scared but I find ways to try to calm myself down if only just a little bit.  The one thing I have learned to accept is that scared feeling will probably never go away even after baby c is born.  We are both very protective of this little bean already and I think we both try to hide how absolutely frightened we are because we are embarking on a series of firsts that seemed so unattainable for years.

So there you have it…that’s my story of this last round and I hope that the information can be beneficial to someone.  I know it is easier said than done to calm down, I’ve said that numerous times, but there is an importance in keeping stress low and keeping positive.  I truly do believe this.

15 Week Bumpdate


So I got the chance to visit family over the weekend, that was much needed!  My little belly grew substantially since I last saw them at just over 11 weeks.  Since I normally take my weekly bump photos on Saturday we got to do it at my mother’s house which obviously means there was a lot of silliness…I won’t overload you with pictures but I may include one or two silly ones below.  I’m starting my new class today so I’m going to keep this short as I have lots of work to do!

How far along?    15w3d

Total weight gain/loss? 3lbs

Gender?   Not yet – another month and a half almost until we find out

Maternity clothes?  some – my normal tops are too tight so I am wearing either bigger shirts or I have a couple small maternity tops that fit well.  I’m still wearing my normal pants, albeit they are uncomfortable but maternity pants fall off of me even though they are supposedly my size.  I just unbutton my pants all day lol…

Stretch marks?   Nope!  And I hope to never get them but I won’t cry if I do, all part of the miracle of growing a teeny tiny human inside me.

Sleep?   Uh-Maze-Ing.  Seriously.  I sleep better now than I ever have.  I slept 10 hours the other night and it felt spectacular.  Most other nights I am getting my 8 full hours unless a cat decides it wants to freak out in the middle of the night, or if Joe drops the remote, or snores REALLY loudly.

Best moment this week?  I GOT TO SEE MY FAMILY!!!! I love visiting, it makes my month.  If I wasn’t so far away I’d see them every freaking day.  Oh, and guess what…right now…at this very moment…I feel teeny tiny little nudges on the inside of my belly.  I barely even noticed them until I focused really really hard – last night I thought I felt the same thing right after chugging some apple juice and right now I am having my small amount of caffeine fix and I feel the same thing but more…I think that’s baby!!! I’m going to try to focus later today with a glass of apple juice again to see if I can replicate it.  It’s fantastical.

Miss anything?   NOPE!  I’m loving every moment of this (aside from the anxiety)

Movement?  Just the teeniest tiniest little bit! Super excited 🙂

Food cravings?  Nothing out of the ordinary

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Nope

Symptoms?   Really the only thing I have are these amazing tatas that I swear have nipples made of razor blades and a growing uterus, everything else is pretty much on par from pre-pregnancy.

Labor Signs?  NOPE

Belly Button in or out?  In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time?   I’m happy as a pie

Looking forward to?  Not just thinking but knowing that what I am feeling is actually baby…and Thanksgiving…and in a few weeks we are going to Shady Maple for some awesome Amish food.

Here’s some fun pictures 🙂

15w1d

15w1d

15w1d with Joseph

15w1d with Joseph

15w1d with my niece, Trinity

15w1d with my niece, Trinity

"Bumping it out"

“Bumping it out”

Mr Ed decided to pop by - obviously Trinity is NOT entertained...

Mr Ed decided to pop by – obviously Trinity is NOT entertained…

Second Trimester – 14w3d


I really hope I’m not jinxing my progress with these updates but I am feeling a little more safe now that I am finally in the second trimester.  So last week I got a bonus ultrasound because the lab drew the wrong set of blood work (harmony was drawn rather than the first part of the sequential screening).  I always get so nervous at the appointments because I’ve never made it this far and its new and scary to me.  I know my shit, though.  They really don’t have to explain much of what or why they are doing what they are doing and they seem to know I know my shit because I can recite the testing and screenings by name in the order they need to be done.

They seem to have forgotten to run my thyroid in my last blood panel, though, even though I specifically asked for it to be ran to determine whether or not I should be continuing the levothyroxine so they ordered the test today and I should have the results next week.  The doctor will need to consult my RE to determine what I should do if my levels are still abnormally low (which I expect them to be…)

We heard the heartbeat at today’s appointment which was amazing…158bpm and very strong.  This little bugger is active – kept on moving around when she located it but baby stayed still long enough to get an accurate measurement after a few minutes!

The only crappy part about today was we found out we won’t get to hear baby’s heartbeat again until our next appointment in a month and we won’t see baby again for a month and a half – Cue massive anxiety.  Hopefully between now and then baby gets strong enough to punch and kick me to let me know that everything is A-OK.

So here goes nothing – my first real bumpdate:

How far along?    14 weeks and 3 days – hooray for second trimester!

Total weight gain/loss?   3lbs – this is perfect 🙂

Gender?   Too soon

Maternity clothes? I’m in that awkward phase where my normal clothes are a tad tight and maternity clothes are like a tent so I’m doing the ol’ hair tie trick on pants and just dealing with it…

Stretch marks?   Nope

Sleep?   Very good…except for when Joseph snores loudly then I wake up and pinch his nose shut.

Best moment this week? Had my first appointment of the second trimester today, heard the heart beat – a perfect 158bpm

Miss anything?   Not being able to see baby every week…the RE really did spoil me rotten.  I miss them so much!

Movement?  You know, I swear sometimes I feel something…like the tiniest of movements if I sit and concentrate and hold where the baby is but I’m not quite sure if what I am feeling is actually baby but I’d like to think it is.  I can’t wait until I know for sure that it’s baby.

Food cravings? Not really… 

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Nope, nothing at all.

Symptoms?   Big ol’ boobies and a growing uterus…that’s about it!  The nurse seems to be amazed that I wasn’t nauseous or fatigued.  I think that so far it’s been a cake walk after dealing with all the fertility treatments…seriously.

Labor Signs?  HA…not for a loooonnng time.

Belly Button in or out?   Way in.

Wedding rings on or off?   On

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Are you kidding, I’m on a freaking high I can’t come off of.  I’m a big ball of happy.

Looking forward to?   My next appointment that is soooooo far away!!

And here’s a pic of the 14 week bump, one with Joseph, and one with Moose 🙂

14w1d14w1d with Joseph 14w1d with Moose

And before I forget, you guys are amazing with all the kind words and welcoming me back just made my week!  Thank you all!