25 weeks!

What an awesome Christmas!  Got out of work early to head to my hometown before it was dark out, had dinner with my family, opened some gifts, watched the nieces and nephews open our gifts with excitement, traveled around visiting family, and just enjoyed everyone’s company!  Baby was crazy all day on Christmas Eve at work and on the car ride up to Scranton so I knew he was just going to be a lazy bum while at my mother’s house…and he was.  He gave my sister a few rolls to feel which she was super excited about and a tiny little kick.  The next morning my mother was able to feel two huge kicks in a row.  It was awesome.

My mother stalks my pinterest page and found an item that I really wanted to hang on the wall in the nursery and had it made for us.  It’s absolutely perfect.  Over the weekend Joe and I picked out the final piece to the puzzle in the nursery, the shades…so those have been ordered and the painting has progressed.  Everything still needs another coat but I’m hoping by this weekend that all the painting will be done!  We called Burlington to get the status of our furniture order (it’s been 10 weeks since we ordered) and all but one piece is in so I’m supposed to call them back in 1 week if I still haven’t heard anything from them.

I asked my boss about our new office location, if it has been picked yet, since I really need to start looking at day cares and taking tours of the facilities and interviewing the ones who will be taking care of this child when I return to work…it seems like we are most likely going with the one I didn’t want due to traffic, distance, and not having a parking lot so walking in the dark to the office.  I’m not too thrilled about that.  My boss is willing to work with me, though…he suggested working from home two days a week to save on day care bills and my stress levels.  I’d be home Mondays and Fridays and work in the office Tuesday-Thursday.  I like that idea and helps me deal with the office switch a little easier.

Ok – now down to the nitty gritty

How far along?    25w3d

Total weight gain/loss? 15.5 lbs at the last check but definitely went up since then – I won’t update this again until my next appointment on January 8th

Gender?   Boy 🙂

Maternity clothes?  Mostly, yes.

Stretch marks?   nope!

Sleep?  For the most part I get enough sleep, starting to toss and turn to get comfortable though.

Best moment this week?  Christmas with my family and hanging out with some of Joe’s family on Christmas night

Miss anything?   Not really

Movement?  so much!

Food cravings?  nope

Anything making you queasy or sick?  nope

Symptoms?   Kicking and growing belly 🙂

Labor Signs?  Nope

Belly Button in or out?  In but getting shallow!

Wedding rings on or off?  On, although I’m waking up to them being a tad tight due to my hands swelling overnight…I’m going to up my water intake to see if that helps otherwise I’ll have to start taking them off at night.

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Happy!

Looking forward to?  Celebrating New Years with Joe’s family, it’s going to be sad to see 2014 go since it has been such an amazing year but I’ll be glad to see 2015 since the best is yet to come 🙂

And here’s some pictures 🙂 :

25w2d :)

25w2d 🙂

25w2d with Moose

25w2d with Moose

LOL - waiting for Joe to put his phone down so we can get a picture in front of the tree!

LOL – waiting for Joe to put his phone down so we can get a picture in front of the tree!

And there he is, along with our photobomber - My mom's dog, Angel

And there he is, along with our photobomber – My mom’s dog, Angel

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I’m still here!

I am so very sorry it took me this long to write a post…I have been so crazy I can’t even think straight.

On December 4th I had an “emergency” D&C – they located the sac and wanted to get it out as the numbers kept on rising but there was nothing to save.  They wanted to make sure that the cells did not turn cancerous and also needed to rule out ectopic as two had implanted but I think I lost one a few weeks prior.  If my HCG went down after this then we have nothing to worry about.

December 10th I had my first blood work after the surgery to check to make sure the numbers were going down, and they fell drastically from 859 to 13.5.  Good news.  December 17th I had another round of blood work and the results are finally negative.

On Saturday I will be going to get my clotting panel done, I wanted everything out of the way before Christmas so I can try to enjoy the holidays with my family.  I’ll probably get those results closer to the new year but at least it will be done.

They’ve been keeping me quite the busy bee at work so I do apologize for my sabbatical.  Hopefully my time will be cleared up shortly and I can be a much better blogger.

If I don’t post until then I would really like to wish all of my blog friends a very Merry Christmas.

Also, I just wanted to wish my husband a very happy birthday! Love you!!!

IVF Review/Christmas with my family

On Friday, Joe and I had our review appointment which was really hard to go to.  We had to hear that we failed from my doctor, which we already knew…it just finalized it.

When I walked into my doctor’s office I could tell how upset she was for me.  She did say that there was absolutely nothing wrong on my end, I responded perfectly to the medication protocol, I had a great amount of eggs and a great amount of mature eggs.  There was nothing wrong with the quality of the eggs, they were all in good condition and 9 out of 13 fertilized which is also really good as they look for 50-60% to fertilize.  She stated, as if we already didn’t know, this is a MFI problem.

For our next attempt she suggested that we do 2 things, although we do not know if the 2nd is a possible option for us based on the counts, she will contact the embryologist and get back to us with an answer hopefully this week about it.  She wants us to do, first and foremost, co-culture.  Where instead of using a chemical compound designed to mimic a woman’s uterus to grow the embryos they’d actually be taking a biopsy of mine and freezing the sample to be used to help the embryos grow.  This is no biggie, the procedure hurts like a bitch and I hate it more than anything but if this is going to help then by all means, torture the shit out of me…I don’t care as long as you make me a baby!  The second thing she would love to see if we could do is instead of doing ICSI they would do something called PICSI – In ICSI they choose the best looking sperm to inject in the egg where PICSI is used in cases of dna fragmentation and make the sperm perform a trick and it must successfully complete this trick in order to be selected to fertilize the egg.  What they do is put 2 drops of this chemical that is the same as the shell of an egg, the sperm will swim towards it since that is what they live to do and the ones that attach to this chemical are the winners…they are doing what they are intended to do and therefore they are the best suitable for fertilization.  The only problem is my doctor was not aware if there was any restrictions like minimum count to be able to do this so she will get back to us as soon as we have an answer.

The cost of both of these? Well, to me it doesn’t matter because we will be paying the same amount since we get a 10% discount from the failed cycle.  The PICSI is an additional $500 and the co-culture is approx $1,000.00.  I have to go in next month to pay for and do the biopsy, this can be frozen for as long as we need to until we are ready for the next cycle once we get our finances in order.  These are 2 steps that I want to take if they are proven to boost the chances, which they absolutely are.

Now…onto Christmas.  I spent 2 days in my hometown visiting family for Christmas…it was a great 2 days but it was REALLY hard to hold it together.  The day with my brother and his family was great because it served as a distraction, it was more laughs than anything so I didn’t even have time to dwell on anything…I just had trouble sleeping.  I even took a benadryl which helped me fall asleep I just couldn’t stay asleep.  I was officially in bed and asleep at approx 1am but I was up and alert at 3:50am…ugh.  On Christmas Eve I spent the day at my mom’s house where almost all of my siblings came with their children.  It was fun…the only problem was I was holding back tears all day and I was doing a great job at holding them back until I let my guard down for a couple seconds.  My youngest sister’s daughter wanted to be picked up so I did, I held her as she sang along to the Christmas music in my ear and laid her  head on my shoulder.  It was the sweetest thing and I couldn’t help but think how much I wanted to be able to do that with my child.  Cue meltdown.  I passed her off to my sister in law as I walk away hiding the tears pouring down my face.  I hope the only ones that actually saw were my mother and my husband.  It’s just so hard pretending to be happy when I am so upset on the inside.  I am mentally and physically exhausted.  I just want this to work and I know one day it will, I just wish that day was today.

I know I am strong, I know I hide my emotions well, but sometimes I let my guard down…it’s ok to feel this way, I shouldn’t just forget about what happened and move on because what happened will be a part of me forever…it doesn’t mean I am not as strong as I can be, it means I am human…

Christmas Day we ended up not going anywhere because of how exhausted I was.  I went shopping at CVS to get my mind off of everything and we picked up chinese food…that was it.

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas…and a little rant

First off, I would like to wish all the infertiles a very merry Christmas and may you be blessed with the gift that you deserve.

Now…there is a reason why I don’t like telling people about our struggles…because they just don’t understand. For example, one girl noticed how upset I have been for the last two weeks…upon explaining the situation, because she is a good friend, her response was “you can always adopt” this is coming from a woman who has explicitly stated she doesn’t want children of her own…how the hell does that make me feel better??? I am not quitting now…this can still happen!! I have the ability to have my own children, we are suffering from MfI and the one gift I want to give my husband is a child of his own. I want him to be a father not only in raising a child but genetically! I have the desire to carry a child and deliver it, to feel it moving around in me, to love it before it is even born. I want all of that and then some. I love the children I don’t have yet knowing we can do this.

End rant.

Ugh. Ok, we’ll this is all written on a cell phone so it is probably jumbled and misspelled so I am going to get ready to explain this all again to 2 friends we didn’t see in over a month.

Merry Christmas and I’ll be posting again soon with all the new information received at our wtf appointment today.

May you all be blessed with sticky babies 🙂

Christmas Vacation

I have 2 more hours before I am off for 5 days for Christmas.  This has been the longest day ever…this whole week just seemed to drag on.

We are still waiting for a call from the doctor with the SCSA results…I really wish they would call soon so I can stop worrying.  They’ve had the results since yesterday and with the multiple phone calls Joe put in you think they would have informed him that his doctor is on vacation until after Christmas…ugh…they were able to forward the information to one of the many doctors I saw at my doctor’s office so hopefully he will call today with the information we have been anxiously waiting for…

Well, the long awaited WTF appointment is tomorrow…finally…just the way I want to start my Christmas Vacation, reminiscing on failure.  As if I already didn’t dread this holiday enough right now.  Hopefully I will be in a better mood when I make candy for everyone.  Maybe I will save that for after the appointment tomorrow to distract me for a little while.

 

Excuse me, sir, I came in that…

So now we wait for the results of the SCSA test to come back.  We will hopefully hear the news by Friday but it can take up to a week for the results…they seem pretty positive that we will have them in 48 hours, though.

I texted Joe his favorite awkward word the nurses say when they schedule him for either a SA or frozen sample…did you ejaculate yet?  So he sent me the picture of the cryo tank he had to put everything in to be shipped out via FedEx.  The thing is huge! How much of a sample do they need? AND…it looks like fricken R2D2…I told Joe he just lived out his Star Wars fantasy and to leave me out of that one…

When I got home R2D2 was still waiting in the hall for pickup…apparently the FedEx rep that was called was a real tool and never asked for a pickup time so we were last on the list and probably expected a midnight pickup…no, you are not picking up semen from my house at midnight…you are picking this up now…so 6:30ish they finally showed up after a second phone call to FedEx.

I was very excited that they were taking R2D2 that when Joe answered the door I peeked and when Joe didn’t say it, I did…and hopefully the delivery man heard it, too.  Excuse me sir, be careful with that…he came in it.

You gotta add some humor to it, right?

How am I doing? Taking things one day at a time…my favorite time of year is shitty for me this year, my headaches are still prevalent, my sleep is still not that great, I am still sad, but I feel like I have finally accepted that it has happened and there is nothing that I could have done about it…but we are taking steps to help the future tries so that is one thing I can be positive about.  I still feel like shit when I eat and when I wake up.

3 more days of work this week before a long weekend, at least I get to see my family.

We have to do something on Saturday that is going to be very upsetting but it is going to give us a less stressful path which is what we need right now.  We are creating our future.  We are planning things with a family in mind.  This is to better us as a whole.

Other than that only a few more days until the WTF appointment, I have a list of questions I need to bring with me because I want to be as prepared for this as I possibly can.

Until next time…

photo2

He came in that ^^^

SCSA/WTF/Christmas

Joe had scheduled 3 days worth of appointments, the 18th & 21st for frozen samples, and the 26th for the SCSA test and to get his testopel (Testosterone Pellet) put in so he would be reverting back to his normal medications.  The SCSA test has about a 48 hour turnaround on it before we have answers so it would make sense to have it on the 18th since we have our WTF appointment on the 21st, right? Yeah…that got rescheduled.  Apparently he didn’t realize the dates when scheduling but it is all taken care of now…phew.

I am totally relieved that there is a lot of prep going on for our next attempt…I need some sort of control put back in my life but I know that they will take it away from me again when the time comes, which is ok…it’s their job…but it is frustrating.

I am not looking forward to the WTF appointment, I have been able to hide my sadness much better recently but I still do find myself randomly crying throughout the day and waking up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.  Once we get to the WTF appointment it is going to be the icing on the failure cake and I have a feeling I am not going to be able to keep it together.

I am also trying to desensitize myself with Christmas at the moment…Christmas is going to be rough for me.  While taking a shower last night I played Christmas music to either try to get in the spirit (which I absolutely am not in this year at all) or to desensitize myself in preparation of seeing a lot of our families with many babies and happy faces while I am this hollow shell of a woman yearning to be in their shoes.  Needless to say it was a sobfest in the shower…I hope I can get better at this in the next week and a half.

I am happy to say that my brother is coming up for a visit tomorrow, I need family right now.  It has been a very tough week and I could use the company.  I know I will be a wreck when he first gets here but I have a feeling he is going to keep my mind distracted most of the day.  I know he is probably going to want to talk about what happened but that is just a fraction of the day and I can do it…I am absolutely ok talking about everything but I do get very emotional, which is expected.  I hope he brings his daughter, she is amazing.  I’d love to take her to Peddlers Village to see all the Christmas lights, or to Kids Castle, the biggest play place I have ever seen…