Rough Times

Have you ever had one of those days/weeks that you just feel like you can’t do anything to make yourself happy?

Yes, I feel like I am doing an excellent job as a mom even when having some particularly rough days.  Yes, I feel like I am accomplishing my tasks as an employee and doing a damn fine job at it.

What I am NOT doing very well at is taking care of me.  I put everyone and everything in front of my basic needs.  I don’t have nearly as many opportunities for adult interaction as the normal working mom and when I do they are sparse or interrupted by my constant need to make sure my child isn’t falling off a couch and breaking his neck.  I am constantly distracted with work and mothering that my need to be my own person is swept under the rug.  I feel selfish that I am upset that I forget who I am or that I used to be the funny entertaining one that loved talking and interacting with people.

It’s just been a rough week…and I needed a little rant.  And maybe a break.



Thank you.

Eight years ago I moved out of my element and I found myself lonely in a new town hours away from my family to be with my husband.  I immediately grew a bond to my mother in law because I had no one else and she was entertaining at first.  After a while the entertaining turned to back handed compliments that hurt and it was still done after letting her know how I felt.  After that it turned into deliberate attacks against me, broken promises and lies to her son, screaming and cursing in public at her own son calling him, and I quote, a “fucking faggot” for all the neighbors to hear, and kicking us out of our home.  She turned many people on her side of the family and her friends against me for no reason and I never had a voice nor has anyone even told me what was said.  Now I turn to my blog to get some of what I need to off my chest.  This is not even close to everything I went through in these eight years as I would be writing a novel and I don’t want to expose everything [unless anyone who was told we were anything but loving parents heard different] but I needed to vent at least a little bit to give a background on why I have so much anxiety since becoming pregnant and having a baby and how someone who seemed as happy as I used to has PPD.  Here’s a narrative of what I would say if I ever could get rid of the anxiety to tell her how her actions affected me:

For years you have been crude to me, never able to give me a compliment publicly, rather always giving me horrible criticisms or literally gagging at how much your son loves me. I took it. I took it all. I had no one else here to talk to so I took it because I was lonely. You knew it bothered me. They all told me “ignore her, that’s just how she is, you can’t change it” but that’s no excuse for the terrible things you say to people or in general. I’ve watched you say some pretty nasty things to others and they just take it while having a terrible look of shock and appall because they know they can’t say anything about it because “that’s just how she is.” I’m so sick of this excuse.  I’ve cried on the phone with my mother and siblings because of your harsh words and broken promises. There’s no excuse for my tears and here I stand, not taking it anymore, and they were all right…

You won’t change.

You berated me in front of your company. To not cause a blow up, I did not lower myself to your level and berate you back, rather I walked away; however, I am the one that was said to be in the wrong even though I was trying to not cause a huge blowout and verbally lash you in front of your company. Thereafter, during the rest of my pregnancy (about another almost 7 months), you ignored me and talked about me behind my back to your family. God knows what lies you made up for them to hate me now, but I never got a chance to speak. God bless the ones who saw through your bullshit and just listened but knew that it was just you being you again. I can’t let our son grow up with influences like this. I want our son to know the true meaning of family and not when you are in the wrong that you lie and pin everyone against the one who was acting in the best interest of everyone involved. You did this to your own son, too.

What a shame.

I don’t know why I was banished from some of the family. I don’t know what I did wrong…probably because I did nothing wrong and never had a chance to defend myself because whatever story you told was so believable that neither myself, your son, or our perfect little baby’s presence is acknowledged even when we literally bump into them.

Do we even exist to anyone anymore?

I hear you talk. I never once heard you ask how my pregnancy was going. I heard you laugh at me. I heard you talk about how much everyone hates me. I heard you excitedly exclaim “I can’t wait to see how many people actually visit her in the hospital” knowing you already knew the ones who weren’t going to visit because they were ‘on your side.’

When did these ‘sides’ start and how come I couldn’t help anyone choose?

Did you know that through it all I never spoke ill of you to your family or friends. Ever. To this day this stands true.

I had a very long and complicated delivery and almost died. You were so close to getting your wish. You came into the hospital without being invited or even asking if it was OK when we asked for no visitors due to the trauma we had all gone through and the baby being in the NICU but you were welcomed by your son and not turned away by me. I was kind to you. I knew that no one deserves to have a grandson taken away from them so I tried to let you back into my life even without you apologizing for the ways you wronged me and you still continued to berate me. I gave you another chance even though I didn’t want to and you still spouted your anger. You called me ignorant because my child had just fallen asleep and I was about to eat dinner I barely could keep my eyes open making and you come over unannounced and almost wake the baby. I asked for some time to eat with my family but I was ignorant for not offering you food that I didn’t have any extra of, nor did I expect to have company, I was ignorant because I didn’t want my colicky baby woken up after tirelessly trying to get him to nap. That is not how you treat a mother with a 2 week old son let alone a mother with PPD!

How dare you put me down when I was already weak and helpless?

I am nothing but a failure in your eyes. Always have been. After the baby was born you never offered to help me. You never offered any assistance to your son. The lack of support you provided worsened my PPD. Having so many people against us worsened my PPD. I know that I can’t have my son seeing how you treat others and picking up those traits. How do I tell my son that he doesn’t know his paternal grandmother because she refused to wash her hands after she smoked so she would be allowed to touch the baby. That she’d rather not be near you than to do something so simple because it was a rule that we had. You made fun of our personal choice to keep our son healthy. You are angered he can’t come over your house because it is filled with the stench of tar and nicotine that we don’t want his tiny lungs exposed to. The rules we set didn’t apply just to you but rather EVERYONE near our child and we stick to those rules and everyone complies. Except you. Because you can never be wrong. Because you need to be the center of attention and you let everyone believe that this was all about you and we are terrible people for making such a preposterous request.

That’s it, isn’t it?

That’s what this was all about. You lost your attention just enough to get a taste of how lonely it is and you needed to take it back. With lies. With deceit. With your terrible comments about my new family. You are a hypocrite. What happened to “I’m Italian, I yell and scream at you one minute and hug you the next?” I guess that applies to everyone except me. I was getting too much attention and you were jealous. If I can’t even be spoken to like an adult and asked for my side of the story and automatically hated and ignored for whatever reason you gave them, then you can have that attention because I don’t want it anyways. I don’t need it if family who used to like me and support me through our entire journey for a baby are so quick to flip and turn on me without even hearing my side. The truth. 

Keep it all.  I don’t want it.

You made your bed and you must now lie in it. We gave you many chances to make this right. I tried to bring you back into my life and you quickly showed me you couldn’t change. You pinned everyone against me while I didn’t even have a voice to speak for myself. And you denied doing it. For this, you will never gain my trust back. You lied to your son when he asked you at the baby’s baptism if you were smoking as he was giving you an opportunity to hold your grandchild and you lied. I watched you. How dare you? For this reason you will never be allowed near my son without me being present and I can guarantee you will not be holding him. How does it feel to be shunned from my family like you shunned me from yours?

My son will never know evil. I will protect him from you.

You also hurt your son with your treatment of me. You hate me so much you won’t step foot near him while I am present. The day before father’s day you said while running out to your car “if I don’t see you happy father’s day.” You said it just to say it. Because he was right there.  You should have made a big deal about it because we worked damn hard and had a lot of heartbreak to get here. You live right next door. You have a phone. You didn’t step foot next door to wish him well. You didn’t call him.  What if you didn’t see him the day before, would you have even bothered? Don’t worry, though, my mother called him and told him she loved him and wished him the greatest of days. She cares for your son more than you will ever know and she is not afraid to show it. It killed me to see him wait for your call that never came. It killed me to see him not even get acknowledged by you on this day. He put on a good act but there was pain in his eyes. I made the day as special as I could for him to keep his mind off of you.

What a shame.

You have done nothing but make our lives hell and now it is over. Now we will go on in peace and start a new life. We will be surrounded by people who actually care for us and are excited to see us and not the ones who hate us for reasons we don’t even know. We have a voice where we are going. We have support where we are going. We gave you plenty of chances to make it right and you didn’t so this is where we must part our ways. You knew this day would come as you smiled when I even brought up the idea of my leaving due to the hatred your family shows me because of your lies, but I stayed for your son. Keep on smiling because this is now a reality.

Remember, YOU kicked us out.  You broke a promise you made to your son and then kicked us out.  But we found happiness in our new home.  A home your son asked me to be a part of.  A home near my family that he felt more welcome.  Your son offered to move away from YOU after we were kicked out to make me happy.  Now how does that make YOU feel?  

Here’s to the end of my depression. Here’s to the end of my anxiety. Here’s to the beginning of getting the family support I needed that you never gave and prevented from even happening. Here’s to your son finally having some happiness and for us to finally be that perfect happy family. We will get through this together. I’ll see you someday. Until then I hope you realize, now, what the gravity of the situation really was and how you hurt and betrayed not only me but your own son.

Your drama and constant need for attention caused this.

I do need to thank you, though. Although you ruined my life here, I’m beginning a new and even better one with my own little family surrounded by people who love us and actually want to be around us. People who have been helping us from the beginning. I’m glad your son has been so welcome in my family as he often apologizes for how well he is treated in my family and the same feelings are not reciprocated in a good portion of his. There are some shining stars in his family but not enough to keep us here anymore. We deserve happiness and we are finally getting it.

For that, I thank you.

For the family who have not been in contact with us for the passed year due to things that weren’t so kind that you have heard about us…if you’d like to hear our side, the truth, please contact us…we are actually pretty interested in how we are portrayed as anything but nice and maybe a little over protective of our miracle baby.  We are also more than willing to accept you back in our lives without prejudice if you promise to not judge in the future without first hearing both sides.  We were very hurt not even connecting eyes and completely ignored at a family party and it made our decision much easier to leave.  We are willing to let bygones be bygones if you would like to actually ask if what you were told was true.  I won’t even ask why you are asking or if you even read this post…I don’t care.  The more family our son has, the better he is…but if you are just digging for info to feed back to someone else then please don’t even bother.

Just keep on pretending we don’t even exist and we will be better off.


Nothing new to report…It’s been a really tough week and it is effecting my mentality.

I have to focus on staying positive for our little B & R.  They were the strongest of our bunch and I pray that they continue to grow and make a nice little home in me for the next 9 months.

I admit, I am obsessing by looking up everything I can find that everyone wrote about being Xdp3dt to see their outcome but everyone is different.  The upsetting trend I have noticed is that those with “sure signs” ended up being a failed cycle so maybe there is hope since I don’t have any symptoms other than progesterone related.

I am a hot mess, though…I could be a lot worse but I am trying my hardest not to think about the negativity from this week, I am basically avoiding it so as not to stress myself out anymore than I already am.  It’s probably not the best thing to do but it is somewhat working for me…I just want to be as “calm” as possible while we await our first beta.

B&R, mommy loves you both, please stay healthy for me.

Life is not all fun and games…

I have another blog all about humor and every day tales of being married…I want to keep that blog the “happy” blog, I don’t want to infect it with my anxieties, fears, or sadness…if I did that, it would no longer be a happy blog…so I’m writing a spin off to get my angry/sad/anxious words out of my system in hopes of clearing some writers block on my other page…

Joe and I struggle with infertility.  Joe has been taking injections for 2  years now and the longer the process takes, the more anxious, upset, mad, sad, crazy, psychotic, demonic, and (any other crazy adjective you can think of) I get.  I seriously think I am admitable into a mental hospital at this point…and I can’t control it.  Joe thinks by just saying you need to relax that I am just going to relax.  This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with hands down.  I know I am not the one that is self inflicting torture on myself (well, not yet anyways), it is Joe…but I am effected mentally and emotionally throughout everything.

We have a doctor’s appointment today at Joe’s RE to go over our options, and by go over options I mean he is going to refer me to see a doctor to make sure I am a good candidate for IVF…we know this is what is coming…that is our only option at this point.

I am a nervous wreck…I want this more than anything but there are going to be a lot of unknowns in the near future and I don’t like not knowing.  I like to have the facts laid out in front of me clear as day…but I can’t always have my way.  Life is full of unknowns and I am just going to have to deal with it.

I pray that this doctor can calm my worries today.  I pray he can help me overcome some (or all) of my fears.  I hope he is understanding of my distress and anxieties and doesn’t get pushy with me because I am an emotional wreck and I can’t deal with a doctor with no empathy.

10 hours until the appointment and I have to find a way to keep my mind off of it…wish us luck…