I am not a martyr


These words keep repeating over and over in my head.  “You are not a martyr other people have lost children, other people have had a hard time getting pregnant.”

Yes, other people have lost children.  Yes, other people have difficulties getting and sustaining a pregnancy.  I never said I was a martyr, rather I’d call it an advocate.  So what if I am open about publicly discussing something so emotional or even simply acknowledging that these events occurred in my life rather than keeping my feelings inside to kill me bit by bit.  Everyone handles situations in their own way, this is how I handle what has happened to me, to us…by talking and writing and holding my angels in my heart and acknowledging that this was a long hard battle to get our miracle baby.

I am not a martyr, but I am not going to keep my mouth shut because you don’t feel I am special enough to share my struggles.  Sometimes I need to talk and I have helped a lot of people in doing so…maybe one day someone can help me much like I have helped others.  I will not hold back my feelings because you don’t think what I went through is worthy enough to deserve your compassion.

I am not a martyr but I deserve to be able to speak about what happened to me much like you are free to speak your mind without a filter whenever you so choose and expect everyone to not get offended.

I am done being treated like garbage.  I am done living my life in fear.  I am done being depressed over being treated wrongfully by people who are supposed to be there for me.

I need to make some changes for the good of my family…it’s going to be a long and difficult process but we need positivity back in our lives or I am afraid I will have a breakdown.

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10 thoughts on “I am not a martyr

  1. huh? Someone pissed you off?
    Yes, you are not a martyr, none of us are, but we deserve to speak our feelings out. Go on friend, speak your mind. Those who don’t like it, can walk away or close their ears!

    • Quite a few people have. It’s been rough. I just need to take a stand. I used to be much better at it than this but I’m in protector mode and find myself protecting the baby rather than standing up for myself. I need to be able to do both.

      Maybe one day I can explain in full detail…if I can find the right words.

  2. So sorry people are attacking you. The journey of loss and infertility to motherhood is a tough one and we all need to support and love each other through it. Anyone who criticizes or attacks is either clueless to what it’s like or jealous that you have kept your energies so positive and now have your baby. I also will talk to anyone and everyone about the journey, people need to know its not something to be ashamed of. You keep doing what your doing, you rock!

  3. It is unclear where this is coming – I hope not from this special blogging community but I can only assume so. I have appreciate your thoughtful musings every time I have read them over the past 2+ years that I’ve been following your blog. Keep it up!

  4. I have felt this before also. The urging from ppl to “get over it” now that I’m on the other side. Thing is, it doesn’t go away. And I’m 100% sure that it does cause a form of PTSD to go through so much emotional ( not to mention physical) trauma trying to grow a family.

    • Oh absolutely. I have a major case of the crazies right now from everything that happened in the last few years and being told I don’t deserve compassion for it. Also, my mother had brought up the dreaded PPD as well as she feels that may have snuck up on me in addition to all the other stressors currently swarming my life (probably exasperated by these as well…)

  5. Sorry to hear this. So common in the world of infertility; I don’t understand it, how someone that was supportive now attacks what u have, bc you still have struggles…as if they want you to forget you were ever infertile, or had those losses, bc now baby is here? It doesn’t erase the past. Sending you good vibes.

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