October 15th Wave of Light


Yesterday was such a busy day…between school work and work work I’ve been going non stop, but I made sure I had my candle lit!!  I’ve been reminding everyone on facebook about this date and how important it is to participate in it.  I’m not silent in our struggles, our losses, and our pain.  Ever since our first loss I have made it known that it hurts…BAD…and the things we had to go through to get where we are today is not fun, not cheap, and does not go by unappreciated.  I’ve seen my fertility doctors more than my family in the last few years and I finally had to part ways with them because I finally graduated…but the graduation came with a heavy heart and a ton of anxiety.

Every day I wished for a symptom to know everything is ok.  Every day I worry something may go wrong.  Every day I’m careful about what I do and what I eat and where I go in fear that something may affect this pregnancy.  These anxieties stem from the losses of my children.  I am scared shitless and I will be until the day this child is born.

You never get over a loss.  People who haven’t been in this position find it hard to understand and avoid the conversation.  Yesterday was a day to show our love for our angels and it also shows support for the women who may not be as open about their pain…to let them know they are not alone in the world…to let them know that it is ok to hurt and it is ok to be not ok.

So while I was engulfed in a project for my graduate program I made sure that at 7 o’clock on the dot I had a candle lit for my angels, everyone else’s angels, and for those who need to see that they are not alone in the world.  Maybe it will help them be more open about it?  Maybe it will make them feel better that they hurt and don’t understand why they still hurt?  A friend who lost her son described these candles as giving the angels a great big hug…I think she is right.  Here’s my candle, lit and burning brightly while I worked on my assignment.  I’m never too busy to honor the angels, they are our protectors, and our  babies.

October 15th - Wave of light

October 15th – Wave of light

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2 thoughts on “October 15th Wave of Light

  1. Just gorgeous.

    Like you, I’m terrified too. Terrified of another loss when we’ve come so far. Living from scan to scan and constantly testing the weight of my boobs (are they as heavy as yesterday?), worrying over every cramp, and feeling so thankful on the days I feel so nauseous I can’t get off the couch.

    I think of the women who have never suffered a loss, who walk in to every scan safe in the knowledge that nothing could possibly be wrong. It all seems so very unfair.

    So, I lit my candle yesterday too, for my lost little one – and all the angels that are so loved even though they were with us for such a short time.

    Wishing you the very best for this miracle pregnancy my friend xxx

  2. i share on FB as well. Paige need to know in general and people suffering in silence need to know they are not alone. this year i was surprised to see out shared several times and a couple of friends shared their stories of loss as well.

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