Infertility leads to Anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to Obsession. Obsession leads to the Dark Side.
–Yoda; Star Wars Episode 43, Revenge of the Hormones
Obsession. This is what it has become. This is what I am dealing with. After my loss with BOB undergoing treatments became an obsession. I was no longer excited to start another round because “this could be it”, I HAD to start another round. I gave myself no time to heal. As soon as I was able to, as soon as my levels were down to zero I started back up. I didn’t give myself time to breathe. As soon as the third attempt failed I went in the next day to start the FET round. I was obsessed with getting this to work. This is now my life.
Obsession isn’t healthy. I need to be healthy.
What’s next for us? This is the biggest question I have been avoiding, but not anymore. What I have decided is I need time to heal. My body needs time to heal. In the course of one year I went through three fresh and 1 frozen cycle. I have had 140 needles, 41 office visits, have been under anesthesia 5 times, and had 2 Miscarriages. That is a lot to go through. We still have one more embryo in the freezer that I am not giving up on. I want to give this embryo a chance. After I have given myself time to heal, physically and emotionally, after I have found a way to not make this an obsession, after I have taken care of myself and get back to the positive person I used to be, after I feel I am ready I will give this last embryo a chance to be my rainbow baby. This isn’t going to be easy because all I want to do right now is jump in those stirrups and do it right now but I know I wouldn’t be providing the best home for this child with the anxiety and stress I feel.
I’m going to try to enjoy the holidays and take some time off from the infertility office. I don’t know if this is going to take 3 moths, 6 months, or even a year, I just know that I need to do this for myself and for my future babies.
Loving and missing my angels so much. I’ll see you in my dreams, babies.