Infertility leads to Anger.  Anger leads to Hate.  Hate leads to Obsession.  Obsession leads to the Dark Side.
Yoda; Star Wars Episode 43, Revenge of the Hormones

Obsession.  This is what it has become.  This is what I am dealing with.  After my loss with BOB undergoing treatments became an obsession.  I was no longer excited to start another round because “this could be it”, I HAD to start another round.  I gave myself no time to heal.  As soon as I was able to, as soon as my levels were down to zero I started back up.  I didn’t give myself time to breathe.  As soon as the third attempt failed I went in the next day to start the FET round.  I was obsessed with getting this to work.  This is now my life.

Obsession isn’t healthy.  I need to be healthy.

What’s next for us?  This is the biggest question I have been avoiding, but not anymore.  What I have decided is I need time to heal.  My body needs time to heal.  In the course of one year I went through three fresh and 1 frozen cycle.  I have had 140 needles, 41 office visits, have been under anesthesia 5 times, and had 2 Miscarriages.  That is a lot to go through.  We still have one more embryo in the freezer that I am not giving up on.  I want to give this embryo a chance.  After I have given myself time to heal, physically and emotionally, after I have found a way to not make this an obsession, after I have taken care of myself and get back to the positive person I used to be, after I feel I am ready I will give this last embryo a chance to be my rainbow baby.  This isn’t going to be easy because all I want to do right now is jump in those stirrups and do it right now but I know I wouldn’t be providing the best home for this child with the anxiety and stress I feel.

I’m going to try to enjoy the holidays and take some time off from the infertility office.  I don’t know if this is going to take 3 moths, 6 months, or even a year, I just know that I need to do this for myself and for my future babies.

Loving and missing my angels so much.  I’ll see you in my dreams, babies.


15 thoughts on “Obsession.

  1. I am so proud of you! You really have been through hell this year. I was concerned that you didn’t give yourself much time after Bob. I am so glad that you’re taking a break. While I would love nothing more than for you to get pregnant right away, I think it’s smart to give yourself time to grieve and heal. Sending you love, support, and clarity of mind.

  2. I am sure that decision was not an easy one to come to, but I am sure it is helping you breathe a little easier and much deeper now… Take time for yourself and your hubby- heal and prepare. How profound to say you need to do this for yourself and future babies. Beautiful.

  3. I took a nine months off between my five rounds of Clomid and three failed FET’s (one included a miscarriage) before I started with IVF. I needed a break so bad from all of the medication and the emotional stress. It was hard to do, but it was so very necessary!
    I am hoping your heart has time to heal from the overwhelming anger.

  4. Good idea to take some time off. I took time off when obliged by my husband and was so thankful for it, even if at first I didn’t want to. I really hope it’ll do you good. xx

  5. this is so true to how i’m feeling as well. not to make any assumptions about you, your partner or your support system but going to talk to someone (psychologist) could really help.

  6. While I haven’t ventured into fertility treatments just yet, I am in a similar place of taking a break between miscarriages. As much as I worry about “wasting” time and getting older, I know my body needs a break. My soul needs a break. I congratulate you in recognizing this in yourself, and for doing it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s