Torture. Pure Torture.

In the last four years I have seen countless pregnancies, some to great mommies and daddies who planned and tried for these babies, some without trying, some to only one mommy or daddy who love their babies very much, and some to two mommies or two daddies.  I have also seen some babies born to not so good mommies or daddies.  In all of these cases I have been jealous, envious of what they have and enjoy and love, and envious of what they have but don’t realize what a blessing they have been given.  I am envious of the good and envious of the bad.

For several years I have been struggling to come to terms with our infertility and the jealousy accompanied by it. When will it be my turn? When can I stop paying countless medical bills to get what comes so easy to others?  When will I have a day I don’t have to remember to wake up early for an injection, a pill, a doctor’s appointment, or another surgery?  When will my reminder alarms show anything else besides medications or appointments?  When will I be called mommy by my own child?

In June 2013 I lost my child, my first baby, my BOB.  They joy I felt when Joe told me that my blood test came back positive was so overwhelming.  Then I saw my baby for the first time and I instantly fell in love.  I heard his heart beat the following week and two weeks later I saw him move.  I never thought anything would happen to this child, but at my 9 1/2 week appointment I was given devastating news…my baby no longer had a heart beat.  I don’t think I have ever felt my heart break quite so much.  I couldn’t breathe.  A few days later I needed surgery and I couldn’t keep myself together…they had to sedate me to keep me calm.  I didn’t know how much more of this I can take.  We had already paid over $60,000 in medical bills at this point for infertility.  I didn’t know if I could ever put myself through this again.

Somehow the desire to be a mother overcomes all.  I found the strength to put myself through all the procedures again, we got a personal loan to help pay for a third fresh cycle as our funds were already dry at this point.  Another IVF attempt and another failure…but we were able to go further than we ever did before.  We had 3 embryos who were so strong they were able to be saved and frozen for another try.  On Halloween I went in for my FET where I met my frozen babies again and it worked.  I was Pregnant.  Full of love.  Joyful.  Scared. So scared, in fact, that I warned quite a few people keeping tabs on me that I didn’t want to be questioned on how I was feeling, what’s next, etc because of what happened with BOB.  I wanted to take things one day at a time.  Yesterday, my fears and anxieties came to life.  We learned I am losing my babies again.  I am devastated.  I don’t know how life can be this cruel to us.  I want to try again but I am scared.  Our funds have dried up [now 75k deep in this], I have put my body and emotions through hell and back.  I am so sick, in quite a bit of pain, and have to wait to naturally pass my babies.  I have to keep going in for blood work to follow my numbers down to zero and be constantly reminded of yet another failure and loss.  This is pure torture.

I am scared to death of losing another child but I need to keep focusing on the end game.  I need to keep focusing on knowing at the end of this battle, however long it may take, that I will no longer have to take another estrogen pill, receive multiple injections, have my x00th blood draw, go to another appointment at the infertility office, or have another surgery.  I’ll no longer be waking in the middle of the night crying over heartache or loss, I will have a little one crying for me and all the love I have to give.  I have put my all into this and then some and I hope that, one day, I can be the mother that every child deserves.


I love you, my angels.  You will forever be in my heart.  ❤ Bob, Freddie, & Jason


17 thoughts on “Torture. Pure Torture.

  1. Your story is amazing. And you have some serious resilience.

    I am working on writing a book about how American culture affects pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period, and one of the chapters is on “The Decision to Become Parents.” I am working with another couple that is trying to conceive to get their insights on their experiences and if you ever feel up to it and think it might help, I’d love to communicate with you more about how living in American culture has influenced your experience trying to conceive. Here’s a link to a description of this project and how to contact me.

    Blessings to you and your husband on this journey…

    • It may be beneficial to me to get my feelings out there, for the world to see, to share my story and let the world know that some couples really struggle to accomplish their dreams when they come so easy to others.
      I do need to heal a little but if I can help in any way with your project, I will.
      If you could let me know, in detail, what you expect to read in battling with infertility and miscarriage I can put a well thought out piece together for you and if you want more I can give more.

  2. I am so so sorry you have been through all this. It’s just not fair. I am sorry but maybe it’s not my place and if it’s not please ignore me completely. As tough as it is try and take some time off for yourself and Joe. Going through three losses in less than 6 moths is a lot for anyone. Please do take care of yourself. Thinking of you…xx

  3. I’m so very sorry that this is happening to you! It took 5 years after a miscarriage, surgery, over $40k, 7 months of injectible cycles with IUI and then 2 IVFs for us to finally have our family. It almost destroyed our marriage. Both of my pregnancies were also threatened in the first trimester and were premature births with long NICU stays (our new twins are still there).

    All I kept saying was what did I do to deserve all of this pain…there is no real answer and it is so frustrating. All I can say is that I truly believe that you will have a family, you have gone through too much not to. Your body, mind and spirit just need to rest and heal right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. I know your pain and my heart aches for you. It is a cruel experience with no lessons to be learned just bruises on your heart. Our fifth goodbye was as painful as our first.
    Your strength will overcome. I wish I could just hold your hand.
    I’m so very sorry.

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