So Sick…So Scared

I don’t know what else to be at this point.

The nurse did tell me not to google anything, that I would scare myself silly.  You can’t tell me that, now I need to google.  I wish I never did.  She said this isn’t bad yet, that the new standard for normal pregnancy is a minimum rise of 30-35% and I was approx 38%…but they like to see doubling.  She needs to see my levels rise drastically tomorrow or it probably won’t be a good outcome.

Although there’s not a lot of info out there on IVF and Vanishing Twin Syndrome this is the best case scenario for us.  Still crappy, but the best case scenario.  How am I expected to wait another 24 hours for a follow up blood test and then hours after that for the results of said test waiting on do I cautiously jump for joy or cry my fucking eyes out?

I’m already a mess, I’m trying so hard to be strong but this is just a shitty shitty situation and it is so hard after all the crap we have gone through to stay strong.  I don’t know if I can handle losing another pregnancy.  I don’t know what I am doing wrong.  I don’t know what I did to deserve to go through all of this.  It is incredibly difficult to stay focused when all I get is shit news.

Something’s gotta give at some point.  I hope and pray for the best scenario tomorrow, but until then I am so sick to my stomach over all of the bad news in this past year.  I really wish I knew how to make this all better.  I really wish there will be a time that I don’t have to wake up crying because I can’t have the only thing in life that I truly want.

Please continue the prayers, I really need them.


:Keep Repeating: This will work, this has to work…


17 thoughts on “So Sick…So Scared

  1. Sending you patience, courage, and a whole bunch of love. You’ve done nothing wrong. IF is a shitty thing to happen. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Losing a child is awful as well. You’ve been through a lot. However, you a strong and can handle anything the world throws at you. I am praying that this ends up being your rainbow baby.

  2. i have asked the same questions for the past year and half and unfortunately the only answer i can come up with is – “stop wanting to be a mom”. i know this is not an option for me or you or any of us trying, so, we continue to suffer the hardships and pray for the day it will all be ours. we go through different levels of acceptance in our situation and i have learned that in order to get through this particular hell of trying and losing and not knowing and worry and hoping and praying, we just have to somehow except that this is part of the process for us. BIG HUGS TO YOU MY DEAR. no way to make it better but my heart is going through the same thing and it beats with yours ,helping to keep you strong.

  3. I would have Googled right away too. It’s impossible not to– it’s like a magnet. I’m sending lots of positive thoughts to you and your little one. Sorry this is so stressful– just not fair.

  4. It is not you, or anything you are doing. You cannot blame yourself.

    I can’t imagine how you must be feeling – so much turmoil. I can only offer you *hugs* and let you know I’m thinking of you and hoping for the best xxx

  5. I do not have any new words of comfort that any of the Ladies and Gents haven’t already expressed here. I do know that some women produce lower levels of HCG then others. I will continue to send my prayers your way and hope to hear from you soon. I think I can comfortably say, you will be in all of our minds tomorrow. Love and Hugs. xoxo

  6. Everyone responds differently to medication and to hormones, I think if it’s rising, you need to hold out a few weeks until an ultrasound can see something. This might be perfectly normal for your body in these conditions… I hope everything is okay, I know it’s a crazy time. Positive thoughts!! Xx

  7. Maybe they tested for hcg a little early and it could be slow rising in the beginning? This can’t be easy but try and hang in there. Thinking of you and praying for you.

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