I don’t recognize myself. I’m a mess. Some times I am ok, not good, but ok and there are times where I am a disaster. Yesterday I was a disaster. Sadness turns to extreme anger. Is it because of my rapidly decreasing hormones? It took me 10 weeks to get to the level they last noted and in less than 1 week it came down to where I was at 4 weeks. That’s a lot to drop in 6 days. I don’t like to think this is really me behaving this way…it has to be what my body is going through.
Sitting at home doesn’t help. All I do is think about what is going on with my body. It’s funny that my body does exactly what it is supposed to except become and STAY pregnant. I always respond extremely well to the stim medicine, my hormone levels were always textbook perfect, egg retrievals and embryo transfers are always picture perfect, now my hormones are dropping exactly the way a normal person’s should. We knew that this wasn’t my problem going in from the beginning but I wish my damn near perfect responses to everything would make up for the MFI.
I hope we have some answers next week. It would make things a little easier to wrap my head around. It also may prove beneficial to planning out the next go-round. I also hope it brings some closure, that may help with my coping.
I just decided…I’m allowed to be a hot mess…I went through a lot and am still going through a lot. I will allow myself to be like this at least until my hormone levels are done dropping. This is normal. It wouldn’t be normal NOT to feel like my world fell apart. People grieve, I am grieving. Once we have some answers I will start kicking my ass in gear for BOB, he deserves a little brother or sister…for now I will allow myself to feel this way because it only means I have lots of love for my angel baby.
I love you my baby.