It’s been a week…

I’ve been at a loss of words for a week now.  This time last week I was sitting in the waiting room of what was supposed to be my graduation day.  I was so happy and so sad at the same time because I was supposed to be seeing my doctor for the last time.  I knew as soon as she had him on the screen something was not right.  My doctor went silent.  I didn’t see the flashing of the beating heart.  She zoomed in and tried to turn the sound on and nothing.  He had stopped growing shortly after the last visit the week prior as he was measuring a week behind.  She had another doctor come in to confirm the devastating news.  My doctor kept on telling me this is not my fault, this is not my fault.  I knew damn well that it wasn’t.  I wanted this baby so much I did EVERYTHING in my power to be as healthy and proactive about staying safe as I possibly could…but that didn’t stop my little baby from leaving us.

I had my D&E on Wednesday.  That was the worst day of my life.  Sitting there, waiting for them to take my baby away from me.  I made a nurse cry.  I couldn’t hold it together…they had to sedate me before giving the anesthesia to calm me down.  I woke up and he was gone.  I still couldn’t keep it together.  I still can’t keep it together.  This is the worst feeling I have ever been through.  I am hoping in a couple weeks they can at least give us some answers on what happened.  I don’t know if I can handle an unknown cause of death.

I do want to try this again but I don’t ever want to go through THIS again, having answers on what went wrong may help…

I want to give my angel a baby brother or sister to look after so bad…

I want my take home baby.


13 thoughts on “It’s been a week…

  1. If I knew the right thing to say to make this all better for you, I’d say it. Sadly, I do not. Instead, I’ll just do what I do; sending Love, Strength, courage, and faith. I’m so sorry dear.

  2. I’m so, so sorry. Losing a pregnancy is the only thing I can imagine that’s worse than being unable to attain one in the first place. Life can be cruel sometimes, but please don’t lose hope. Sending lots of hugs.

  3. I’ve been following your story for a while. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of BOB 😦 please know that I’ve been thinking and praying for you often. I hope you soon find peace.

  4. Im in tears for you, I wish there was some way i could reach across the world and just hold you. I hope you are able to get some answers. My thoughts and prayers remain with you xxxxx

  5. I still have no words…can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’ve been thinking of you and praying for you. You will have your take home baby one day…keep the faith. Hugs

  6. I still have no words…can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’ve thinking of you and hoping that even in these circumstances you don’t lose faith and I’m glad you haven’t. I know you will have your take home baby one day…hugs

  7. I am so sorry for your loss. As you know from my blog, I experienced exactly the same thing. 3 months on and I am just about to start my next IVF journey, but I still grieve for the little one I lost and will never forget him/her.

    I wish you luck and best wishes for the future, and hope our little angels are looking down on us.

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