Joe had scheduled 3 days worth of appointments, the 18th & 21st for frozen samples, and the 26th for the SCSA test and to get his testopel (Testosterone Pellet) put in so he would be reverting back to his normal medications.  The SCSA test has about a 48 hour turnaround on it before we have answers so it would make sense to have it on the 18th since we have our WTF appointment on the 21st, right? Yeah…that got rescheduled.  Apparently he didn’t realize the dates when scheduling but it is all taken care of now…phew.

I am totally relieved that there is a lot of prep going on for our next attempt…I need some sort of control put back in my life but I know that they will take it away from me again when the time comes, which is ok…it’s their job…but it is frustrating.

I am not looking forward to the WTF appointment, I have been able to hide my sadness much better recently but I still do find myself randomly crying throughout the day and waking up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.  Once we get to the WTF appointment it is going to be the icing on the failure cake and I have a feeling I am not going to be able to keep it together.

I am also trying to desensitize myself with Christmas at the moment…Christmas is going to be rough for me.  While taking a shower last night I played Christmas music to either try to get in the spirit (which I absolutely am not in this year at all) or to desensitize myself in preparation of seeing a lot of our families with many babies and happy faces while I am this hollow shell of a woman yearning to be in their shoes.  Needless to say it was a sobfest in the shower…I hope I can get better at this in the next week and a half.

I am happy to say that my brother is coming up for a visit tomorrow, I need family right now.  It has been a very tough week and I could use the company.  I know I will be a wreck when he first gets here but I have a feeling he is going to keep my mind distracted most of the day.  I know he is probably going to want to talk about what happened but that is just a fraction of the day and I can do it…I am absolutely ok talking about everything but I do get very emotional, which is expected.  I hope he brings his daughter, she is amazing.  I’d love to take her to Peddlers Village to see all the Christmas lights, or to Kids Castle, the biggest play place I have ever seen…


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