Does it get easier?

I know it has only been 2 days since we received the awful news…but the hurt is not getting any better and I don’t think it will.  It may get easier to mask my sadness as the days go on but I don’t think my heart will ever heal from losing our little Batman and Robin.

Our review appointment is set for December 21st at 3:15 – we get to find out if they have any clue what happened and we get to hear what they suggest our next steps should be or if we should be on a different protocol or who knows…

I asked Joe to call his doctor and request a sperm DNA fragmentation test – I don’t think it is a coincidence that every single embryo died at the time where the Male DNA contributes to 2/3 of the embryo growth.  There has to be a reason and if we can rule out fragmented DNA then so be it…at least having this test done will ease my mind.  And if it turns out his DNA is fragmented and we can’t even conceive via ICSI then we will consider donors…but we are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work for the both of us before considering that option.

His doctor said the test is unnecessary and has only sent patients to have it done after 7 or 8 failed attempts…I can’t imagine going through this feeling that many times and spending that amount of money.  If we can at least get the test done to put my mind at ease then I want it done.  I want all bases covered.  I believe in his special case it should have been done from the beginning but I was not aware of this possibility, I had high hopes that this was going to work on the first shot because I have a very healthy home for our embryos and it just wasn’t enough, they were doomed from the beginning and I have no idea why.

I can’t stop my mind from thinking a mile a minute about what could have gone wrong…next Friday can’t get here soon enough.  There is no doubt in my mind that we are going to attempt this again, I just want so badly for this to work.  I feel so weak from all the hurt but I know that I am strong for what we went through.


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